Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

Dispensations, Convalidations, Bishops, Oh My!

I have been speaking with the Deacon who has been my instructor for RCIA. According to him before I can receive any of the Sacraments and possibly even before I can participate in the Rite of Acceptance, we have to have our marriage Convalidated. Convalidation is basically getting your marriage validated in the eyes of the church. Even though we had a minister preside over our wedding in the eyes of the church it was a civil marriage. In the eyes of the law, we have been rightfully married for 11 years. In the eyes of the church we aren’t. Since my husband was baptized Catholic when he was a baby, and I was never baptized we need a dispensation That is, from what I’ve gather, permission for the Bishop for a Catholic and non-baptized person to get married. The Deacon says there shouldn’t be a problem because I am going though RCIA.

I have to find my marriage certificate. I need it anyway to renew my license. I know the last time I saw it was when we were packing to move. I can’t remember if we put it in storage or if we brought it with us. Oh well I guess I will find it and if not I’ll just have to go to the vital statistics office to get a new one.

I went looking on line about the whole convalidation process. I found some sample forms that we will need to fill out. We have to agree that our marriage is invalid. But I keep telling myself that it is only invalid in the eyes of the church. I have still been married for over ten years. The ups and downs we have been through existed and have made us the strong loving couple we are today. I have people telling us all the time. “I want what you guys have.” “You guys are so cute together, so much love between the two of you.” That has to mean something in the eyes of the Church. No?

Has anyone out there been through this? How did it work out for you? What were some bumps you hit? How did you get through it?

It All Started With Pentecost Sunday

I finally went to church that day. I had been meaning to go prior to that, but I just wanted to lay in bed on Sunday mornings. Ha, Ms. Lazy Bones at your service. Anyway, the Deacon of the Church called the week before to let me know that he was back from vacation and will be starting the RCIA classes on the 24th of May, Pentecost Sunday.

 I hardly slept the night before. I was too excited, well really more nervous than anything for the next day. Not only was this the first Church service where I was taking not only the faith but my conversion seriously, I was also nervous because I would be going alone and did not know anyone at church. My suggestion, always go with a Catholic friend. It will just make your experience less nerve wracking and more enjoyable. When I got to church, I got there about a half hour before Mass was to start. There was no one in the parking lot. I waited a few minutes for someone else to pull up so that I could at least blend in a little and not stick out like a sore thumb. When I went in, I was taken aback a bit because there was about 10 people already there. I have no idea where they parked. I guess that doesn't really matter. Anyway, I took my seat and attempted to blend in. I think I succeeded pretty well No one noticed me and if they did they weren't all like, "oh you're new here". All gave a small nod of acknowledgement and a warm, friendly smile.

Mass wasn't bad. Less standing, kneeling, sitting than I thought. My RCIA instructor is very nice, and down to earth. He showed me around the church. Point out some things that as a Catholic I need to know. How to kneel, bow, why the candle next to the beautiful shiny thing is always lit and what that shiny thing is called. It's a tabernacle, by the way and it holds the "Blessed Sacrament". We talked for about 40 minutes, it was mostly him telling me the history of the church and catholism. I was given a book, "This is Our Faith." It's my book to highlight and write. I was all too excited. It's really happening. I am really going to convert and become a Catholic.

My RCIA instructor wants us to have our marriage blessed and recognized in the Catholic Church. While we were planning on doing and renewing our vows. I was hoping to do this after I was baptized. But it looks like we will be doing this sooner than. Like before the fall, before the Rite of Acceptance.

I find myself picking out clothes the night before church, like it’s the first day of school.

And So It Begins

So a while back I had posted about looking into RCIA classes to become a catholic. The Deacon of my local church contacted me back in April to let me know about classes that would be starting up in June. I was so excited. I wanted the months go to by quickly so I could start classes.

 I had gotten a call in the beginning of May from the same Deacon to let me know that the classes will be starting the 24^th. While I was prepared for it I was nowhere near prepared. I am supper excited though to start this journey in my life. I believe that is it definitely time that I embark on this path. It should have happened a long time ago.

Why didn’t it happen back then?

I’m not really sure. I think it was that I felt I didn’t need religion. But like I’ve said before I’ve always believed in a higher power. I’ve always believed in Jesus. I guess I am at that point in my life where I need religion more. Need more guidance. Need to fill a whole in my heart…in my soul.

Someone asked me recently, “Why catholic?” It kind of chose me. I read half way through the NKJV bible before I realized, “wait something is missing.” Once I purchased a Catholic Bible I was like wow, “stuff is missing. I had no idea there were more books in the catholic bible than the NKJV.

I will post more about my experience in church soon. I didn’t realize I am had this post waiting for me in the drafts. I have been so busy I completely forgot to post it back in April or May. I had to go out and buy a journal to carry around in my purse, since I don’t blog that much.

 

Stay Tuned

So I finally took the step

The step to what you might ask. Well way back when I started the journey of reading the bible in its entirety. I made a few blog posts about it. You can find them, here and here. Well, I'm still reading it as I am so busy and can only read a little at a time.

I also did a post here about my "calling". Well, more the like idea of beginning to create rosaries. I still make them but only now when I get inspired. And I still make jewelry as well. Anyway making the rosaries kind took a back seat. I didn't really fell right making them while being unbaptized and not a Catholic.

Will the passing of my husband's grandfather, I am have been thinking of my own morality and inevitable death. When I die, I want to be with my daughter and with the family that essentially helped shape me into the person I am today. My husband's family bought was all plots in a Catholic Cemetery. Again, I don't feel that is is right for and unbaptized, non-catholic to be buried in a Catholic cemetery. This brings be all back to my search for religion journey. I have been actively searching. Not attending church abut searching the internet and researching the different religions and inquiring about baptism.

I won't say I am a religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God and Jesus. So that's a start. 

I sent out a few emails and made few calls. Only ONE church has gotten back to me. The jury is still out on if it a good thing or not. But I will take a leap of faith and call it Divine Intervention. The one church that contacted me was a Catholic Church about 15 minutes from where I am staying. The Deacon and I spoke for about 10 minutes on the phone. I told him what I was looking for, my schedule, etc. He was very understanding and welcoming. And now starting in June, I begin RCIA, which is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. I am beyond excited to begin the next chapter of my life. Stay tuned as I will be sharing my journey.

Being possibly the most impatient person I know I went out and bought this. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. It is a long time coming and I know it will take a while to become fully initiated into the church. But it is a journey I fully welcome it with an open heart, mind and soul.

Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas.

Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.

Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute. 

I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there  was silence. Empty silence.

This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace.  Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I  read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've  rid myself of those causing  much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.

I've worked most holidays  the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I  was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world  didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some  form of mental illness.

Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift  being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.

I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to  exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.

I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.

Change Yourself and We Can Change the World

We as a society are on our way to hell in a hand basket.  Hell we are probably there already. I don't watch the news anymore, haven't for a long while now, its too depressing. The media never wants to report anything good or positive.  Always negative. Kids missing, cops killing people whether they are innocent or not, riots other countries hating us, isis, you name it. All that stuff just makes me want to lock myself up in a room and call it a day.

Growing up I used to want to save the world. Save the homeless. Save the hungry babies in Africa. Save the less fortunate here in our own backyards. Then I realized I couldn't save myself how would I save the world.

Years and years later I found a quote "you cant save everybody but everybody can save one person". I have decided that even before I can save anyone I have to save myself. If we all saved ourselves we'd then be able to save others. What has become of this world? Years from now they will find evidence of us being here and just like the Mayans,  the Egyptians and the people of Atlantis, they will say what happened to these great people? What happened to us?  We no longer care for our neighbor. We only care about ourselves and not in a good way.

I am not one to preach the bible or preach religion. What you believe is what you believe.  Hell I'm confused just as much as the next person. But I have been looking to myself. Trying to make myself better. Reading the bible and other religious works. 

I had posted something on facebook about the recent protests and riots in Ferguson Missouri.  I understand the protests but the riots took things too far. Anyway I ended up deleting the post because the comments became hateful almost. And people that didnt even know each other were calling each other names, etc. Anyway in the post I had mentioned something that I read and couldn't remeber the context or where I read it. Anyway, it was from Psalms 78. "A stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God." That is what has become of us. That is what has become of this world. What happened to kindness and compassion?  What happened to us being....humans? We need to get back to peace and kindness.  Love thy neighbor.

I remember as a kid that we respected law enforcement and they the same. They were there to protect and serve us. And I'll probably get shit for this but now it seems like they protect and serve themselves. Law enforcement back in the day where seen as heros. Now they are viewed as villians. Yeah their are bad cops but there are also good too. At least that's what I chose to believe. It all boils down to RESPECT. Respect from us and respect from them. Stop with the attitudes when questioned. That goes for black, white, brown, purple, green, blue, yellow, red and so on.

This hatred we have for our law enforcement must stop. You wouldn't have this hatred toward our military,  navy and army personnel.  So why do you have it for your local law enforcement?  Like I said yeah there are good cops and bad cops. There are appropriate avenues to go about making complaints.  Riots and more violence is not the answer.

We are the change people talk about. We must change our world we live in. But thay change must start from within.  Change yourself and we can change the nation.

NaNoWriMo Help

I don't have many followers but that's ok. Anyway, I am doing the NaNoWriMo this year and this time I want to finish. But I'm stuck.  I am writing Shealyn's story, and my journey through trying to grt pregnant. But like I said I'm stuck. My author friend suggested I write to get out of being stuck but I don't really have a starting point I guess. This is where my readers come in handy. I need your questions. Maybe that will help me. So do you have any questions for me about trying to get pregnant,  being pregnant,  loss and life after loss? Please comment or email. Your question my be good enough to be included in the my book. :-)

Bucket List

This is a list of all the things I want to do before I am the Big 4-0. This is not in any particular order except the first one.
**I am always adding stuff.**

1. Have a Rainbow Baby
2. Go to Puerto Rico
3. Go on a cruise
4. Visit/meet up with BLM
5. Visit Christian's Beach in Australia
6. Go to London
7. Go to Paris
8. Fly on a plane
9. sky dive
10. hot air balloon
11. visit all of the lighthouses in NJ
12. have a rainbow baby
13. ride a motorcycle

Dreams

What are they? Are they your subconscious? Are they messages from the beyond? Are they Angel's way of communicating with you? Are they God's way of communicating with you?

I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.

Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.

I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.

Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.

So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.

I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.

God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.

Here Without You...

And I have been drama free. Life is good. I will no longer worry and stress about why people aren't there. I've kept the door ajar for far too long. No one is going to come. I saw a meme the other day on facebook. It was something about deadbeat dads. A pick of a father and his kid and it said "this could be us but you never come around", or something like that. I ain't keep the door open anymore. Bugs are getting in. You want me you know where to find me. I've called and tried to reach out. You can't force a horse to drink water. I've been working on a letter. Not sure if i will send it out. I may even turn it into a book. Of course I will probably have to use a different name. I'm done trying. I know I keep saying that. But my God, I am tired of crying, tired of being tired, tired of wondering why.

Speaking of God. I have been learning so much from reading the bible. It's taking forever to read it but if I read it all in one shot I'd probably go crazy.

Dear Poppop,

15 years ago, I remember standing at the foot of your bed, just after they took the tubes out. 15 years ago, I remember crawling in bed next to you, putting my head on your shoulder and kissing you cheek for the last time while you were still warm.

I was numb.

I whispered good night one last time as I left the room, taking one last look before leaving the room. That was the second time. The first time, I didn't get past the doorway.

I was angry. I guess I still am. I believed, deep down in my heart and soul that you would wake up soon. No one gave you that chance it seems. I remember sitting in the waiting room and although I was surrounded by mostly your family, I felt so alone. Where was the rest of my family? Why weren't they there? Did they ever truly care?

 

I remember Uncle Lenny (RIP) pulling my husband (boyfriend of only a few months at the time) aside and asking him to take care of me. I curled up on the ungiving couch in the waiting room, eyes blurry with tears, staring at the door and silently begging God, or whoever was listening to bring you back and take someone else. Hoping and wishing with all my might for you to walk through the door from the overly bright hall. But you never did. The room was dim but seemed to grow darker with every breath you were no longer allowed to take. It was so unfair. I needed more time with you. But was grateful for the time I spent. You were the only one who understood me and now I was alone. I didn't know just how alone I would be until a few days later at your funeral. And so would everyone else.

 

In. The. Back. Of. The. Church. Is where I sat. Billy on my left, your great-nephew and his wife to my right. It felt like people were staring at me, wondering why I was even there. No one said, "Hey sit here, we saved you a seat." No one said "sorry for your loss". You might not have been blood, but I saw you as more than my grandfather. I saw you as my father. There I sat in the back of that church holding my boyfriend's hand and my second cousin's hand, he holding his wife's hand, waiting for the ground to swallow me up. I felt lower than the black sheep, lower than scum, lower than dirt.

I am not really sure where this is going. All I know is that I miss you. I am not sure why it get thrown on me that I am a bad person. I'm not really. Since becoming an adult, I've only ever asked for at least half of the effort I put in. And I get nothing. There really shouldn't even be an effort it should just come naturally. If it were for facebook I am not sure I would hear from anyone. No cards, no calls. When did things get so fucked up?

 

I have this vision in my head that all differences are put aside and everyone isn't fake, everyone is sincere and true. It's just a vision though.

15 years ago, you got called to a better place. Now, I am thankful that you get to see how everyone really is.

 

Since being married, I have grown a bond with hubby's grandfather. Our conversations usually consist of a few grunts, points, snickers, hums, umms, what are you saying, I don't understand. But somehow we know exactly what the other is talking about. He can never take your place but comes pretty close. He's a strange man; you'd get along with with him. I am thankful that he has seen me through in your physical absence. I realize now that you had to go, someone needed to get things ready there for Shealyn. I have no regrets. And am thankful I got to talk with you truthfully and honestly before you got too sick. I still have so many questions that will NEVER get answered.

 

One day differences will be put aside. But I fear it is too late for things to go back the way they were.

 

Miss you more that I can describe.

Where I Am From Where I Came From

Someone asked me about a month ago, maybe more, maybe less about where I am mentally about the death of my daughter.

I. Miss. Her. Everyday.

 

There is nothing I can do to change the fact that she is gone. I am at a different place in life, I guess.

I am still uncomfortable around new babies, I hate going into the girls toys section of clothes section of a store. I am just in a different place. It is hard to explain it really.

 

I wish I had this long insightful post for you, but I don't. The thoughts are hard to explain. The words are even harder to find.

 

I am a childless mother. He is a childless father. We are childless parents. Life must always go on.

G without the T &L

I'm such a cornball with title selections. Yes, it's a play on the phrase from the MTV show Jersey Shore. GTL- Gym, Tan, Laundry. 

About 2 weeks about I signed up to a gym membership. I did it on a whim. I had been wanting to get fit and get more healthy. My friend has had a incredible weight-loss journey and she inspired me to start getting healthy. seeing her progress has been amazing and I wanted that for myself. You can read about her story here. She started with a juice fast and has gone from there.

Anyway, back to me. So last Monday was my first day at the gym and I met with a trainer. We went over all of my physical issues. And then it was the dreaded weigh-in. Side Note: Can I just tell you how much I hate the scale. So I stepped on the scale. And to my amazement I had actually lost 4 pounds for the last time I weighed myself. It seems like every time I weigh myself I stay in the same range. IDK why but I have. I guess its good that I haven't gained much weight and have been able to maintain what I was weighing. So for the purpose of this post and in tracking my weight loss. I will post my weight in the caption of the pic below. 

First day of going to the
 gym and working out.
240.5 pounds



My goodness. As you can see I carry most of my weight in my belly. Thanks to PCOS. I look like I am pregnant and have always looked like that. Before I was pregnant I hated my stomach...after we lost Shealyn, I REALLY despised my stomach. It was a constant reminder of what wants here. It was a constant reminder of my body failing us. I'm not sure why it took so long but it took my 5 years of hating the way I looked to finally do something about it. Yeah people say, "oh you're beautiful" or "oh you're so pretty". And hearing it from my husband didn't really mean much. I mean, he's supposed to say I'm pretty, or I'm sexy. We are married. And even though I fix my hair nice, and put makeup on. I have never felt pretty, or beautiful and especially not sexy. But all of that is about to change.

Since the day I started going to the gym, which by the way, I am going almost every other day. I have also joined a weight loss group at the gym. It is a weight loss boot camp type of challenge group, called One Size Smaller (OSS). I had gained some weight. I think because I am eating more, 4-6 small meals as opposed to 2 large meals and a tons of unhealthy snacks. But today I stepped on the scale (my OSS trainer wanted us to weight ourselves daily and if there is a gain we can address it faster) I was surprised at what I saw. I've lost weight and am now under 240. 238.5 to be exact. Treadmill, weight resistance, and some yoga and other group exercises. I can not wait to get to were I want to be.

calleswimsuits.com

Not this particular bikini, but I want to be able to wear one and not feel ridiculous. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". How can that statement be true when society tells us differently? I am not doing this for anyone but myself. I want to feel beautiful. I want to have someone say the words and I glance in my reflection and say, "you are damn right I am." With my current weight and size I just do see or feel it. And for me it affects other aspects of my life. I don't want to be toothpick skinny. I want to be a healthy weight and size for my age and height. I am pushing for under 200. 160 would be ideal for me. But I will be happy with under 200 to start with. 

My group training with my OSS group was insane. I almost wanted to quit it but I didn't. And I won't. My gym is affordable and convenient. It is right next to where hubby works so when I take him to work I have no excuse to not stop in and get a workout in. I am kind of turning into a work out monster. I was outside at work the other day taking a break and found myself doing a couple of squats lol. 

I will try to post weekly updates, probably on Friday or Saturday. I hope you will follow my journey. 

Love and Peace to you all. 

Betty 

xoxo

Thought Provoking...very random

A friend if my posted something earlier on face book that really made me think.

Well I've always had it on my mind, but today it really made me want to post something and maybe I could work out my answers while writing it out.

 Where/what is your place in this life...this world? If you've read my blog. Most of the posts are random about my finding my place in life. Where do I fit in? I tag most of my posts as 'soul searching'. I now wear many hats. Photography, jewelry making, march of dimes family team leader, and now wannabe writer. Why exactly am I doing it? For what? I'm searching for "myself". But who am I really? Where was I? Where am I going? I'm trying to find myself but where did I lose myself?

Am I searching for the me from four years ago? If so I should really stop looking. That person is in a tiny little box, wrapped in a tiny little bag with my daughter. I'd love to find that person again.

The me 15 years ago was nice too. Not a care in the world.

And now there's the me now. She is a cold bitter person. She is the one searching for her happiness.  Searching for that smile she once had. She now has the permanent v between her brow. That permanent frown.

So here I am still without answers but with a ton more questions. And a million things to do with my time and not enough time to do it all.

So who am I and where am I going?


...to be continued

I'll eventually find my answers.

Blue Face

I haven't posted in a really long time. I don't know why I do this to myself. And then when I get on here I end up posting this really long post and it is mostly me venting and I feel like it make me sound ungrateful.

I am not ungrateful by any means. I use this blog to vent, to share my hopes, share my dreams, to share my life. Though I don't know if my blog will help anyone or even anyone really reads them but they help me. My posts may not make any sense, that is because I just write what is on my mind and post. I hardly ever edit them. Anyway if you do read them thank you.

I haven't posted in a while about my loss. Don't ever think that I never think about my daughter. I think of her everyday. I just have nothing to write about when it comes to her. Does that make me horrible? I will say that this past May marked 4 years. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I should have a four year old running around.

Now onto my vent.

 I can speak until I am blue in the face, but when I am blue in the face things still don't get done, or are as I want them to be. So why do I even bother? Because I deserve to have things the way I WANT THEM. I sound liker a petulant child but it's the truth. I have come so far in my 30 years. I was supposed to die when I was 14. Took a knife right to my wrists. Only had superficial cuts and the scars have all faded, although there are still some. But my point is. My life was hard. REALLY HARD. Yeah everyone at one point in their life says that, but for me, it was and is the truth. I pretty much raised myself and my siblings. Other things were going on too. Maybe one day when I finish one of my books and get published you'll know.

Then I met him and things felt...right. He told me I wouldn't have to worry. Told me he'd take care of me.

So why do I sit here blue in the face? Because I am keeping my mouth shut. Nothing has changed nor with it ever. I sit here blue in the face because.... I. LOVE. HIM.

No really much of a vent after all. Oh well.

Are You My Daddy???

There is so many things I want to say. So many things I need to say. I don't even know how to begin to organize my thoughts to be able to say all I need to without hurting anyone's feelings.

The number one thing is:

I will be turning 30 next week. For 30 years I have not known who my father is. For 30 years I have made up stories for myself to explain to my self why I don't know who he is. He  moved to German shortly after I was born and dies in a riot that happened when the Berlin Wall was knocked down. IDK if there was a riot but I made up one in my head. He was a prince in some far off country and didn't know I existed. He was in jail for killing someone who tried to kidnap me. Yeah I know these are far fetched but when I was young everything I thought "who is my dad?", or "where is my father?" I'd tell myself this and that would answer my inquiry for a little while. When I would actually ask my mom she say it was this guy but then she'd change the story and finally ended with saying she didn't remember. How could you not remember a person that you were intimate with. What are you hiding. Then a family member got crazy and started saying some crazy shit about my grandfather being my dad. HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. And even if he did he was an amazing man and I didn't want for anything when I was in his care. Then when I was 15 she said that this other guy was my dad. IDK if she was just trying to shut me up but I knew deep down this guy and his family were not a part of me. Trifling ass people they were. Conniving con-artist. Lower than low. They were...trash. I went through the motions but slowly we grew apart. He declined a DNA test say he knew I was his daughter. IMO most mixed people look very similar when they are young.  That is probably why I felt that his daughter and me looked a like. :-/ Maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But now after 30 years. I REALLY need to know. Since 2009 I have been wanting and needing to tell my "father"about his granddaughter, my daughter Shealyn. He needs to know she existed and I need to tell him she existed. I think that after 30 years, I am a big girl now and can take whatever the truth is. For some reason my family has always kept things form me. I guess they though I was crazy. I see it as being a passionate caring person. If you tell me something and I don't agree with it I will speak my mind. Most of the times when I went' off on them they would come at me with some off the wall shit and expect me not to have a reaction to it. Well like a good friend on mine has said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it."

I just want to know the truth. I just want to know who my father is. I have names..a few names in fact. My issue kind of my main issues if you tell me my entire life that this one guys is my father why all of a sudden would you change that? I don't get it. I really don't. I will probably go on the rest of my life not knowing and will probably die not knowing and that my friends...fucking sucks.

First Post of the New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

I hope everyone's Christmas and New year were magical. For my Christmas I worked. Story of my life. I actually took off for New Years. WOW! Who would have thought? We, Billy and I, spent New Years with Shealyn's God-mom. I was having a good time until we went around the table and with "Good and Bad of 2012". How to I not sound angry or bitter when I answer this? I came up with some stupid stuff. Bad-- saying good-bye to my grandfather's sister. RIP Aunt Helen. And good-
spending my bday in Seaside with Danielle, Sarah and my sister. Oh and getting my tattoo and deciding to writer a book. If only I'll actually finish what I start. What i really wanted to say was the last 6 months of 2012 was bad and that nothing really good happened. Yeah I have a Job and house and I'm grateful for all of that But my biggest issue is I want to BE HAPPY AGAIN. And when I picture me being happy again and a picture that was taken of me on my wedding, very candid, smiling ear to ear. Not a care in the world. I'd given anything to be back at that moment. Before everything when to shit. Will I ever be happy like that again? I found an old journal the other day. I really think TTC destroyed us.

 

Well onto my New Year's Resolutions. IDK why I even do these. I NEVER stick to them.

1. Finish at least 1 of my 2 book/short story ideas.
2. (I saw this on face-book) Write a good thing that hap pend to me a day and put it in a jar. At the end of the year I will go back and read. This will be a reminder to look for all the good things in life.
3. (on my list every year) To loose weight. I would like to be a size 9 but realistically I would settle for a size 10-12.
4. Work out more or do yoga every day.

That's all I could think of for right now. My Ultimate goal is to find me. The true me. The happy me.

 

 

 

Hmm...

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have been so engrossed in work and life, that I haven't really had anytime for me. No I take the back the only me time I get is when I am reading a book. Been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly romance novels that get my head a fudged up.

October and November have been pretty crazy months for me us. October was just a bad, bad month. I'll spare all the details. The end of October we got hit with Hurricane Sandy. Holy cow. The devastation. Places I've spent summers with family and friends are...gone. We were without power for about 5 days. But I'd rather take that than experience what other people have. My daughter's God mom was in the middle of moving and lost pretty much everything. I know someone who was without power for 16 days. Wow...talk about living in the dark ages. can't imagine. I was barely keeping it together with the 5 days we were without. Working in the dark sucked. Especially with what I do. Halloween was canceled. Who would have thought.

November, seems to be better but my head just won't stop. I don't know if I'm coming or going. There is just so much on my mind, so much I want to say. But I'm afraid to say it, afraid to hurt feelings. Afraid to come across as, as a bitch.

I see so much potential in people and yet they aren't trying or don't want to try.
Thanksgiving was pretty nice. We spent the day with hubby's family, before I had to go to work. Working holidays suck, but I look at it as it pays the bills. I wish I didn't have to work so much.

I blew my back out and now they say I have sciatica. Crap this hurts. i have been in constant pains since the beginning of November. I've always have back issues and tailbone issues. But this is for the dogs. I would love to be pain free.

Hubby's birthday is coming up. He wasn't to go to Red Lobster. We'll probably do that on the weekends., Since I have to work on his actual birthday. He don't want much of anything for his birthday or Christmas. He does want the WII U, the new game system that's coming out that came out. I've asked him a couple of times what he wants and all he says is, "I want you".

Oh we put out tree up for the first time in like 4 years.

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

My Calling?!?!

Around the time that I decided I wanted to research what religion was best for me, and looking for God, I was laying in bed one night thinking. Thinking of where I was in life and where I wanted to be. On my nightstand next to my bed, I have 2 little drawer handles on the handles I had hung 2 rosaries that my husbands grandmother gave me way back when. Then it hit me. {smack...boom}

First Rosary-SOLD

I decided right then and there that I would begin to try and make rosaries, and other kinds of jewelry. I searched the Internet, subscribed to newsletters and now I am very happy to say that I have made 3 rosaries, one single decade bracelet and one 5 decade bracelet. I have sold 2 rosaries and one person is interested in buying one. I sold a bracelet and the other is a sample. For my own use mostly. I have gotten such a warm response in doing this. God called and I was actually paying enough attention to hear him and answer.

This rosary had black beads with a rainbow effect. SOLD

Matching single decade bracelet- SOLD

I do custom orders. I make random ones, basically whatever bead combos call to me when I am at the craft store or ordering beads online. I will be looking into making wooden bead rosaries for men also.

This is a custom made piece I did for a friend.
The beads are made of natural lava stones.

5 decade bracelet