Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

Vacation

It's been a while since I took vacation from work and actually went somewhere. I've taken a day or two here and there to go to PA for the day. Or took a few days for my friend's wedding.

This time I took 2 weeks off I spent the week at home and then took 4 days and went to Colorado. I freaking love it out there. Billy doesn't understand why I like it out there so much. Quite simply, it's not New Jersey. I flew out on American Airlines on Saturday. I hardly slept the night before. It wasn't my first time flying but I am kind of a nervous flyer. Saturday once I got into Colorado I was sick, I felt awful. I'm not sure it if was food poisoning, we had chili cheese dogs the night before, or it is was motion sickness or altitude sickness.

I was fine the first time I went to Colorado so I am unsure of what was actually wrong. Anyway, so Sunday we just hung out in our PJ's and watched Naked and Afraid XL.  It was a marathon. I can confidently say that if my friend and I were to get stuck in the jungle of Brazil of the desert of Africa, we can survive for at least 40 days. We know what not to eat. And were to go. Ha. Don't eat the fruits no matter how appetizing they look. Monkey and bat poop are on them and that will nearly kill you.


On Monday, we went to Boulder and walked the Pearl Street Market. The people are so nice. They are always smiling. I'm sure most of the smiles are because they are as high as the mountains. I'll never get used to marijuana being legal there. They don't hide it. It's so strange. Here they do it out in the open but more conspicuously.

I wish my husband would go to places like this with me. I get hit with the "Oh they are your friends." "I don't know anyone there. What would I do?" "I hate the mountains." "Jersey has all I need." He doesn't understand that I want to travel the world WITH HIM. I want to see things WITH HIM. I want to experience things WITH HIM. I want to show him Colorado so he can see why I like the place. The air is different. It's not home. It's not like I am rushing to move out there, although that would be nice. But all I want is for home to visit there with me.

Overall, I had a nice time. It was a nice little getaway. I want to go back for a little longer than 4 days.

R, J, A, Z and K, I love you guys and miss you. Can't wait to come visit again.

Despensation, Convalidation, Bishops, Oh My! Update

Well we don't need a dispensation to have the convalidation. We do have to go about the convalidation as if we are engaged. That means weekly meetings with the Deacon and/or Priest for a shortened version of Pre-Cana

Last week during our first meeting we have to pick a date. Usually people going through convalidation will pick a date that is significant for them i.e anniversary. Our wedding anniversary in in May which is after Easter. That means if we go with May, I can't be baptized at Easter Vigil 2016. We had decided to go with the anniversary of when we started dating. Which is Feb. And back when we were engaged it was to be our original wedding date. I will have to find out if this date is ok because it in 2 days before the start of Lent. If this date is ok we will be getting remarried Feb. 8, 2016. Exactly 17 years to the day when we started dating. The cool thing is it's on a Monday and exactly the same 17 years ago.

Now of course if I had it my way we would do the convalidation this month. Yesterday even. But I guess its a compromise. I know he doesn't want to do to this. He is doing it for me. Because he knows what being baptized means to me. But I look at it all like this. We have been wanting to renew our vows. Although we would be making new vows I look at it like its the same vows just...better. I don't think he will ever see it like that. If he did he would probably feel better about it. We don't get much time talk about it but I know his feelings. And he is currently feeling like that last 11 years of marriage doesn't/didn't exist. Although legally we have been married. In the eyes of the church we haven't.

This whole process is difficult to put into words. All I do know is at times I feel defeated. Like its al pointless and will never happen. I guess that is God testing my faith to see if this is something I really want. It is also helping with my patience. If you know me you know that I am very impatient and if I had it my way I'd be baptized already.

Today we meet with the Deacon again. I'll eventually update.

Dispensations, Convalidations, Bishops, Oh My!

I have been speaking with the Deacon who has been my instructor for RCIA. According to him before I can receive any of the Sacraments and possibly even before I can participate in the Rite of Acceptance, we have to have our marriage Convalidated. Convalidation is basically getting your marriage validated in the eyes of the church. Even though we had a minister preside over our wedding in the eyes of the church it was a civil marriage. In the eyes of the law, we have been rightfully married for 11 years. In the eyes of the church we aren’t. Since my husband was baptized Catholic when he was a baby, and I was never baptized we need a dispensation That is, from what I’ve gather, permission for the Bishop for a Catholic and non-baptized person to get married. The Deacon says there shouldn’t be a problem because I am going though RCIA.

I have to find my marriage certificate. I need it anyway to renew my license. I know the last time I saw it was when we were packing to move. I can’t remember if we put it in storage or if we brought it with us. Oh well I guess I will find it and if not I’ll just have to go to the vital statistics office to get a new one.

I went looking on line about the whole convalidation process. I found some sample forms that we will need to fill out. We have to agree that our marriage is invalid. But I keep telling myself that it is only invalid in the eyes of the church. I have still been married for over ten years. The ups and downs we have been through existed and have made us the strong loving couple we are today. I have people telling us all the time. “I want what you guys have.” “You guys are so cute together, so much love between the two of you.” That has to mean something in the eyes of the Church. No?

Has anyone out there been through this? How did it work out for you? What were some bumps you hit? How did you get through it?

And So It Begins

So a while back I had posted about looking into RCIA classes to become a catholic. The Deacon of my local church contacted me back in April to let me know about classes that would be starting up in June. I was so excited. I wanted the months go to by quickly so I could start classes.

 I had gotten a call in the beginning of May from the same Deacon to let me know that the classes will be starting the 24^th. While I was prepared for it I was nowhere near prepared. I am supper excited though to start this journey in my life. I believe that is it definitely time that I embark on this path. It should have happened a long time ago.

Why didn’t it happen back then?

I’m not really sure. I think it was that I felt I didn’t need religion. But like I’ve said before I’ve always believed in a higher power. I’ve always believed in Jesus. I guess I am at that point in my life where I need religion more. Need more guidance. Need to fill a whole in my heart…in my soul.

Someone asked me recently, “Why catholic?” It kind of chose me. I read half way through the NKJV bible before I realized, “wait something is missing.” Once I purchased a Catholic Bible I was like wow, “stuff is missing. I had no idea there were more books in the catholic bible than the NKJV.

I will post more about my experience in church soon. I didn’t realize I am had this post waiting for me in the drafts. I have been so busy I completely forgot to post it back in April or May. I had to go out and buy a journal to carry around in my purse, since I don’t blog that much.

 

Stay Tuned

So I finally took the step

The step to what you might ask. Well way back when I started the journey of reading the bible in its entirety. I made a few blog posts about it. You can find them, here and here. Well, I'm still reading it as I am so busy and can only read a little at a time.

I also did a post here about my "calling". Well, more the like idea of beginning to create rosaries. I still make them but only now when I get inspired. And I still make jewelry as well. Anyway making the rosaries kind took a back seat. I didn't really fell right making them while being unbaptized and not a Catholic.

Will the passing of my husband's grandfather, I am have been thinking of my own morality and inevitable death. When I die, I want to be with my daughter and with the family that essentially helped shape me into the person I am today. My husband's family bought was all plots in a Catholic Cemetery. Again, I don't feel that is is right for and unbaptized, non-catholic to be buried in a Catholic cemetery. This brings be all back to my search for religion journey. I have been actively searching. Not attending church abut searching the internet and researching the different religions and inquiring about baptism.

I won't say I am a religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God and Jesus. So that's a start. 

I sent out a few emails and made few calls. Only ONE church has gotten back to me. The jury is still out on if it a good thing or not. But I will take a leap of faith and call it Divine Intervention. The one church that contacted me was a Catholic Church about 15 minutes from where I am staying. The Deacon and I spoke for about 10 minutes on the phone. I told him what I was looking for, my schedule, etc. He was very understanding and welcoming. And now starting in June, I begin RCIA, which is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. I am beyond excited to begin the next chapter of my life. Stay tuned as I will be sharing my journey.

Being possibly the most impatient person I know I went out and bought this. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. It is a long time coming and I know it will take a while to become fully initiated into the church. But it is a journey I fully welcome it with an open heart, mind and soul.

G without the T &L

I'm such a cornball with title selections. Yes, it's a play on the phrase from the MTV show Jersey Shore. GTL- Gym, Tan, Laundry. 

About 2 weeks about I signed up to a gym membership. I did it on a whim. I had been wanting to get fit and get more healthy. My friend has had a incredible weight-loss journey and she inspired me to start getting healthy. seeing her progress has been amazing and I wanted that for myself. You can read about her story here. She started with a juice fast and has gone from there.

Anyway, back to me. So last Monday was my first day at the gym and I met with a trainer. We went over all of my physical issues. And then it was the dreaded weigh-in. Side Note: Can I just tell you how much I hate the scale. So I stepped on the scale. And to my amazement I had actually lost 4 pounds for the last time I weighed myself. It seems like every time I weigh myself I stay in the same range. IDK why but I have. I guess its good that I haven't gained much weight and have been able to maintain what I was weighing. So for the purpose of this post and in tracking my weight loss. I will post my weight in the caption of the pic below. 

First day of going to the
 gym and working out.
240.5 pounds



My goodness. As you can see I carry most of my weight in my belly. Thanks to PCOS. I look like I am pregnant and have always looked like that. Before I was pregnant I hated my stomach...after we lost Shealyn, I REALLY despised my stomach. It was a constant reminder of what wants here. It was a constant reminder of my body failing us. I'm not sure why it took so long but it took my 5 years of hating the way I looked to finally do something about it. Yeah people say, "oh you're beautiful" or "oh you're so pretty". And hearing it from my husband didn't really mean much. I mean, he's supposed to say I'm pretty, or I'm sexy. We are married. And even though I fix my hair nice, and put makeup on. I have never felt pretty, or beautiful and especially not sexy. But all of that is about to change.

Since the day I started going to the gym, which by the way, I am going almost every other day. I have also joined a weight loss group at the gym. It is a weight loss boot camp type of challenge group, called One Size Smaller (OSS). I had gained some weight. I think because I am eating more, 4-6 small meals as opposed to 2 large meals and a tons of unhealthy snacks. But today I stepped on the scale (my OSS trainer wanted us to weight ourselves daily and if there is a gain we can address it faster) I was surprised at what I saw. I've lost weight and am now under 240. 238.5 to be exact. Treadmill, weight resistance, and some yoga and other group exercises. I can not wait to get to were I want to be.

calleswimsuits.com

Not this particular bikini, but I want to be able to wear one and not feel ridiculous. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". How can that statement be true when society tells us differently? I am not doing this for anyone but myself. I want to feel beautiful. I want to have someone say the words and I glance in my reflection and say, "you are damn right I am." With my current weight and size I just do see or feel it. And for me it affects other aspects of my life. I don't want to be toothpick skinny. I want to be a healthy weight and size for my age and height. I am pushing for under 200. 160 would be ideal for me. But I will be happy with under 200 to start with. 

My group training with my OSS group was insane. I almost wanted to quit it but I didn't. And I won't. My gym is affordable and convenient. It is right next to where hubby works so when I take him to work I have no excuse to not stop in and get a workout in. I am kind of turning into a work out monster. I was outside at work the other day taking a break and found myself doing a couple of squats lol. 

I will try to post weekly updates, probably on Friday or Saturday. I hope you will follow my journey. 

Love and Peace to you all. 

Betty 

xoxo

First Post of the New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

I hope everyone's Christmas and New year were magical. For my Christmas I worked. Story of my life. I actually took off for New Years. WOW! Who would have thought? We, Billy and I, spent New Years with Shealyn's God-mom. I was having a good time until we went around the table and with "Good and Bad of 2012". How to I not sound angry or bitter when I answer this? I came up with some stupid stuff. Bad-- saying good-bye to my grandfather's sister. RIP Aunt Helen. And good-
spending my bday in Seaside with Danielle, Sarah and my sister. Oh and getting my tattoo and deciding to writer a book. If only I'll actually finish what I start. What i really wanted to say was the last 6 months of 2012 was bad and that nothing really good happened. Yeah I have a Job and house and I'm grateful for all of that But my biggest issue is I want to BE HAPPY AGAIN. And when I picture me being happy again and a picture that was taken of me on my wedding, very candid, smiling ear to ear. Not a care in the world. I'd given anything to be back at that moment. Before everything when to shit. Will I ever be happy like that again? I found an old journal the other day. I really think TTC destroyed us.

 

Well onto my New Year's Resolutions. IDK why I even do these. I NEVER stick to them.

1. Finish at least 1 of my 2 book/short story ideas.
2. (I saw this on face-book) Write a good thing that hap pend to me a day and put it in a jar. At the end of the year I will go back and read. This will be a reminder to look for all the good things in life.
3. (on my list every year) To loose weight. I would like to be a size 9 but realistically I would settle for a size 10-12.
4. Work out more or do yoga every day.

That's all I could think of for right now. My Ultimate goal is to find me. The true me. The happy me.