Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

There Has To Be A Reason...

To why I am infertile. Yes, I have PCOS. But sometime I am not convinced that that is the only reason. We were watching  The Devil Inside, and just like with most of the things we watch hubby and I started taking about paranormal things we have witnessed or heard about out or even dreamt about. It got me thinking of a dream I had...well more like a nightmare I had had before the hubs and I got married.

Basically in this dream I was trying to cross a room full of snacks. I was a little more than mid way through the room. I had to cross over this giant snake. The was no way for me to go around to I had to step over it. Just as I was beginning to left the second leg the snake jumped up between my legs. Don't really know what happened afterward because I woke up.

There's a belief that snakes are representation of voodoo or black magic curses or even representation of the devil. It may sound stupid or ridiculous but I truly believe that this was done to me by other means.

Before Billy and I got together I I wasn't always regular but I had a semi normal cycles. Now they are nonexistent unless I take birth control or some other med to induce a cycle.

I don't know that's just how I am feeling right now.