Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

An Update After A Year. Where Has The Time Gone?

I was bored, messing around on my laptop, and decided to come check out my blog. Apparently it has been over a year since I posted anything. I don't think anyone really reads this. It is mostly for me and my memories, besides I post on Facebook and actually write in an old fashioned journal with an old fashioned pen and paper.

Well, looking back that last thing I posted was a post about picking a date for our marriage convalidation in preparation to become a Roman Catholic. You can read about that post here. I have also explained in previous posts about what a convalidation is, so there really isn't much need to go into that again.

On February 8th, 2016, hubby and I had our marriage legally recognized in the Catholic Church. It was a small ceremony. It was beautifully unorganized and chaotic. It was perfect for us. None of my family showed up. We forgot to reminded my father in law. My mother in law was there. My bestie, Kelli came out for the weekend from PA and was my Matron of Honor. Hubby's friend Alex was his Best Man. Our other guests included Alex's wife, Mae and Wayne, Alice, and Danielle. We went for a 1950's retro theme. My friend Danielle, not only did my hair in adorable victory rolls, she also did a reading of the Old Testament for us. After the ceremony Danielle, Kelli, Mea, Wayne , hubby and I went to Koto, for sushi and hibachi. We had an absolute blast. As a gift Kelli and her hubby got us a hotel room for the night. Bow chicka bow wow!! I later decided to extent it for the entire weekend and we had a nice little getaway. Overall, it was a memorable weekend, on I will never forget.


People and thing are placed in your life for a reason. Everyday I am reminded of this. One of the girls from my RCIA class also had to get her marriage convalidated. Her husband is in the military and most for her family doesn't live close. I offered to take pictures for her and came to support her. She brought her camera and I took the pictures. Doing that gave me the photography bug. I used to go to school for photography and have since lost my motivation and love for it. It became a chore and the reviews I got in the classes, broke my spirit. I allowed their negative comments to become a reality and stopped taking picture and sold my very expensive camera. Since taking picture for Diana, I regained my motivation and have since purchased a camera of my own. It isn't a professional camera, but it's a beginners type of camera.

Easter Vigil. The big day. The day I spent the last year working towards, studying for (there were not tests by the way), praying one finally came.  I wore white pants and a teal top. I wore my hair down and curly because I new my hair would get wet. I was filled with excitement and honor and love. There really isn't much to talk about about it. I mean I can't really find the word to describe the evening. It was beautiful.



The moment I became Catholic.

 I was confirmed shortly after being baptized. I had to pick a confirmation name and he name that I chose was Gianna, after Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. I will do a post about her at a later time.

The 3 of us the were received baptism got to bring the bread and wine up to the alter for consecration.

Receiving my first communion

My mother in law, who was also my sponsor and I

I wore my glass that day because I knew I'd cry and I didn't want my contact to pop out from crying. That's what happened at the vow renewal and my contacts were bothering me for most of the night.

So now that I am Catholic, I have gone to confession a few times. I absolutely hate going to confession I have to analyze every aspect of my life to see what I've done and what I haven't done. And I must confess it all. 

I also purchased a veil. It was one of the things that attracted me to wanting to be come Catholic. Little did I know it is not a common practice nowadays. So, I purchased a beautiful veil and found a
church that offers the Traditional Latin Mass. And I loved it.


My Great Grandmother's Veil

I had asked my grandmother if she had any veils that belonged to my great grandmother, since she was catholic in the old days and would have most likely had a ton of veils. She wasn't sure and searched her house and found a beautiful black, gold and silver veil. It is not the only thing that I have that belonged to my great grandmother. I am afraid to wear it because it is so fragile and the edges are starting to fray. But it is beautiful all the same. And will be a piece that I'll cherish forever. No I just need to get motivated into going back to church. Each week I say I will go to confession and start back up but each week I don't.


Despensation, Convalidation, Bishops, Oh My! Update

Well we don't need a dispensation to have the convalidation. We do have to go about the convalidation as if we are engaged. That means weekly meetings with the Deacon and/or Priest for a shortened version of Pre-Cana

Last week during our first meeting we have to pick a date. Usually people going through convalidation will pick a date that is significant for them i.e anniversary. Our wedding anniversary in in May which is after Easter. That means if we go with May, I can't be baptized at Easter Vigil 2016. We had decided to go with the anniversary of when we started dating. Which is Feb. And back when we were engaged it was to be our original wedding date. I will have to find out if this date is ok because it in 2 days before the start of Lent. If this date is ok we will be getting remarried Feb. 8, 2016. Exactly 17 years to the day when we started dating. The cool thing is it's on a Monday and exactly the same 17 years ago.

Now of course if I had it my way we would do the convalidation this month. Yesterday even. But I guess its a compromise. I know he doesn't want to do to this. He is doing it for me. Because he knows what being baptized means to me. But I look at it all like this. We have been wanting to renew our vows. Although we would be making new vows I look at it like its the same vows just...better. I don't think he will ever see it like that. If he did he would probably feel better about it. We don't get much time talk about it but I know his feelings. And he is currently feeling like that last 11 years of marriage doesn't/didn't exist. Although legally we have been married. In the eyes of the church we haven't.

This whole process is difficult to put into words. All I do know is at times I feel defeated. Like its al pointless and will never happen. I guess that is God testing my faith to see if this is something I really want. It is also helping with my patience. If you know me you know that I am very impatient and if I had it my way I'd be baptized already.

Today we meet with the Deacon again. I'll eventually update.

Dispensations, Convalidations, Bishops, Oh My!

I have been speaking with the Deacon who has been my instructor for RCIA. According to him before I can receive any of the Sacraments and possibly even before I can participate in the Rite of Acceptance, we have to have our marriage Convalidated. Convalidation is basically getting your marriage validated in the eyes of the church. Even though we had a minister preside over our wedding in the eyes of the church it was a civil marriage. In the eyes of the law, we have been rightfully married for 11 years. In the eyes of the church we aren’t. Since my husband was baptized Catholic when he was a baby, and I was never baptized we need a dispensation That is, from what I’ve gather, permission for the Bishop for a Catholic and non-baptized person to get married. The Deacon says there shouldn’t be a problem because I am going though RCIA.

I have to find my marriage certificate. I need it anyway to renew my license. I know the last time I saw it was when we were packing to move. I can’t remember if we put it in storage or if we brought it with us. Oh well I guess I will find it and if not I’ll just have to go to the vital statistics office to get a new one.

I went looking on line about the whole convalidation process. I found some sample forms that we will need to fill out. We have to agree that our marriage is invalid. But I keep telling myself that it is only invalid in the eyes of the church. I have still been married for over ten years. The ups and downs we have been through existed and have made us the strong loving couple we are today. I have people telling us all the time. “I want what you guys have.” “You guys are so cute together, so much love between the two of you.” That has to mean something in the eyes of the Church. No?

Has anyone out there been through this? How did it work out for you? What were some bumps you hit? How did you get through it?

It All Started With Pentecost Sunday

I finally went to church that day. I had been meaning to go prior to that, but I just wanted to lay in bed on Sunday mornings. Ha, Ms. Lazy Bones at your service. Anyway, the Deacon of the Church called the week before to let me know that he was back from vacation and will be starting the RCIA classes on the 24th of May, Pentecost Sunday.

 I hardly slept the night before. I was too excited, well really more nervous than anything for the next day. Not only was this the first Church service where I was taking not only the faith but my conversion seriously, I was also nervous because I would be going alone and did not know anyone at church. My suggestion, always go with a Catholic friend. It will just make your experience less nerve wracking and more enjoyable. When I got to church, I got there about a half hour before Mass was to start. There was no one in the parking lot. I waited a few minutes for someone else to pull up so that I could at least blend in a little and not stick out like a sore thumb. When I went in, I was taken aback a bit because there was about 10 people already there. I have no idea where they parked. I guess that doesn't really matter. Anyway, I took my seat and attempted to blend in. I think I succeeded pretty well No one noticed me and if they did they weren't all like, "oh you're new here". All gave a small nod of acknowledgement and a warm, friendly smile.

Mass wasn't bad. Less standing, kneeling, sitting than I thought. My RCIA instructor is very nice, and down to earth. He showed me around the church. Point out some things that as a Catholic I need to know. How to kneel, bow, why the candle next to the beautiful shiny thing is always lit and what that shiny thing is called. It's a tabernacle, by the way and it holds the "Blessed Sacrament". We talked for about 40 minutes, it was mostly him telling me the history of the church and catholism. I was given a book, "This is Our Faith." It's my book to highlight and write. I was all too excited. It's really happening. I am really going to convert and become a Catholic.

My RCIA instructor wants us to have our marriage blessed and recognized in the Catholic Church. While we were planning on doing and renewing our vows. I was hoping to do this after I was baptized. But it looks like we will be doing this sooner than. Like before the fall, before the Rite of Acceptance.

I find myself picking out clothes the night before church, like it’s the first day of school.

And So It Begins

So a while back I had posted about looking into RCIA classes to become a catholic. The Deacon of my local church contacted me back in April to let me know about classes that would be starting up in June. I was so excited. I wanted the months go to by quickly so I could start classes.

 I had gotten a call in the beginning of May from the same Deacon to let me know that the classes will be starting the 24^th. While I was prepared for it I was nowhere near prepared. I am supper excited though to start this journey in my life. I believe that is it definitely time that I embark on this path. It should have happened a long time ago.

Why didn’t it happen back then?

I’m not really sure. I think it was that I felt I didn’t need religion. But like I’ve said before I’ve always believed in a higher power. I’ve always believed in Jesus. I guess I am at that point in my life where I need religion more. Need more guidance. Need to fill a whole in my heart…in my soul.

Someone asked me recently, “Why catholic?” It kind of chose me. I read half way through the NKJV bible before I realized, “wait something is missing.” Once I purchased a Catholic Bible I was like wow, “stuff is missing. I had no idea there were more books in the catholic bible than the NKJV.

I will post more about my experience in church soon. I didn’t realize I am had this post waiting for me in the drafts. I have been so busy I completely forgot to post it back in April or May. I had to go out and buy a journal to carry around in my purse, since I don’t blog that much.

 

Stay Tuned

So I finally took the step

The step to what you might ask. Well way back when I started the journey of reading the bible in its entirety. I made a few blog posts about it. You can find them, here and here. Well, I'm still reading it as I am so busy and can only read a little at a time.

I also did a post here about my "calling". Well, more the like idea of beginning to create rosaries. I still make them but only now when I get inspired. And I still make jewelry as well. Anyway making the rosaries kind took a back seat. I didn't really fell right making them while being unbaptized and not a Catholic.

Will the passing of my husband's grandfather, I am have been thinking of my own morality and inevitable death. When I die, I want to be with my daughter and with the family that essentially helped shape me into the person I am today. My husband's family bought was all plots in a Catholic Cemetery. Again, I don't feel that is is right for and unbaptized, non-catholic to be buried in a Catholic cemetery. This brings be all back to my search for religion journey. I have been actively searching. Not attending church abut searching the internet and researching the different religions and inquiring about baptism.

I won't say I am a religious person, but I am spiritual. I believe in God and Jesus. So that's a start. 

I sent out a few emails and made few calls. Only ONE church has gotten back to me. The jury is still out on if it a good thing or not. But I will take a leap of faith and call it Divine Intervention. The one church that contacted me was a Catholic Church about 15 minutes from where I am staying. The Deacon and I spoke for about 10 minutes on the phone. I told him what I was looking for, my schedule, etc. He was very understanding and welcoming. And now starting in June, I begin RCIA, which is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. I am beyond excited to begin the next chapter of my life. Stay tuned as I will be sharing my journey.

Being possibly the most impatient person I know I went out and bought this. You have no idea how much I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life. It is a long time coming and I know it will take a while to become fully initiated into the church. But it is a journey I fully welcome it with an open heart, mind and soul.

Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas.

Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.

Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute. 

I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there  was silence. Empty silence.

This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace.  Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I  read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've  rid myself of those causing  much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.

I've worked most holidays  the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I  was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world  didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some  form of mental illness.

Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift  being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.

I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to  exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.

I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.

Change Yourself and We Can Change the World

We as a society are on our way to hell in a hand basket.  Hell we are probably there already. I don't watch the news anymore, haven't for a long while now, its too depressing. The media never wants to report anything good or positive.  Always negative. Kids missing, cops killing people whether they are innocent or not, riots other countries hating us, isis, you name it. All that stuff just makes me want to lock myself up in a room and call it a day.

Growing up I used to want to save the world. Save the homeless. Save the hungry babies in Africa. Save the less fortunate here in our own backyards. Then I realized I couldn't save myself how would I save the world.

Years and years later I found a quote "you cant save everybody but everybody can save one person". I have decided that even before I can save anyone I have to save myself. If we all saved ourselves we'd then be able to save others. What has become of this world? Years from now they will find evidence of us being here and just like the Mayans,  the Egyptians and the people of Atlantis, they will say what happened to these great people? What happened to us?  We no longer care for our neighbor. We only care about ourselves and not in a good way.

I am not one to preach the bible or preach religion. What you believe is what you believe.  Hell I'm confused just as much as the next person. But I have been looking to myself. Trying to make myself better. Reading the bible and other religious works. 

I had posted something on facebook about the recent protests and riots in Ferguson Missouri.  I understand the protests but the riots took things too far. Anyway I ended up deleting the post because the comments became hateful almost. And people that didnt even know each other were calling each other names, etc. Anyway in the post I had mentioned something that I read and couldn't remeber the context or where I read it. Anyway, it was from Psalms 78. "A stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God." That is what has become of us. That is what has become of this world. What happened to kindness and compassion?  What happened to us being....humans? We need to get back to peace and kindness.  Love thy neighbor.

I remember as a kid that we respected law enforcement and they the same. They were there to protect and serve us. And I'll probably get shit for this but now it seems like they protect and serve themselves. Law enforcement back in the day where seen as heros. Now they are viewed as villians. Yeah their are bad cops but there are also good too. At least that's what I chose to believe. It all boils down to RESPECT. Respect from us and respect from them. Stop with the attitudes when questioned. That goes for black, white, brown, purple, green, blue, yellow, red and so on.

This hatred we have for our law enforcement must stop. You wouldn't have this hatred toward our military,  navy and army personnel.  So why do you have it for your local law enforcement?  Like I said yeah there are good cops and bad cops. There are appropriate avenues to go about making complaints.  Riots and more violence is not the answer.

We are the change people talk about. We must change our world we live in. But thay change must start from within.  Change yourself and we can change the nation.

Dreams

What are they? Are they your subconscious? Are they messages from the beyond? Are they Angel's way of communicating with you? Are they God's way of communicating with you?

I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.

Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.

I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.

Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.

So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.

I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.

God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.

My Journey Through The Bible; Part 1

Genesis-Leviticus

NOTE: I am by no means preaching. I'm not saying I am right or wrong. I am merely giving my opinion, to which was are all entitled to.

So, in a week I have read through the first 3 books of the Bible; Genesis, Exodus and Leviticus. I found myself a little confused and drifting off with so-and-so begot this person and that. I highlighted a few thing for a later discussion with Hubby. But out of all 3 of theses book the one thing that stuck out to me. The one thing that stopped me dead in my tracks. (now I've seen a lot of people take the word and use it to benefit their opinions, there needs. We all get something out of reading the Bible and this is what I got.)

"Sanctify to Me, all the firstborn, whatever opens the womb[...]both of man and animal; it is Mine." -Exodus 13:2

After reading that, I stopped and just stared the the words me and was oddly at peace. I've said that before but this time was for real, I guess. Of course I still have questions as to why. And those questions will never be answer. But reading was kind of like reading God's answer to why Shealyn was taken.

A lot of ancient theorist believe that the "pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night" that escorts Moses and his people out of Egypt (Exodus 13:21-22); where UFOs and aliens. Hey anything is possible but what I found a little odd was Mose's face "shining" after being up in the mountain with the Lord for an extended period of time. (Exodus 34:29-35) How is that not radiation?

A few other things stuck out to me, Like the creation of "male and female in Our image"(Gen 1:26). And then, "God formed man of dust, and breathed life into his nostrils..." -(Gen 2:7).  And then Adam being put in a deep sleep and his rib being taken to make Eve. Perhaps this is a story of 2 "Eves".

I love this one "If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well sin lies at the door. And it's desire is for you, but you should rule over it." -(Gen 4:7) What I got from this is if you do good (intentions, deeds, or doing something with good intentions) you will be accepted in the Heaven. But if you do "good" with other intentions corruption and evil, miss fortune and bad luck wait for you.

"The Lord is my strength..."-Exodus 15:2

 I believe and Love God. I don't need religion or a book to tell me that. He created many trials throughout my life and I thank him for everyone because it molded me in to the person I am today. Although I am still trying to find out who that person is. But I am whole heartily looking forward to it. After all life is a never ending lesson, to grow and learn from and you and I will continue to grow and learn until the day you die.

Searching Religion...con't

So I have been banging my head against the computer researching religions. I am so overwhelmed with I can't think straight. So I figured I'd put the technical search on the back burner for the time being. I sat, thought, meditated a little and even prayed...not sure it I did it right. I'm guessing I did because I was compelled to start reading the Bible; cover to cover. This is my second day and I am about mid way through Genesis. The writing to so small it kills my eyes after a while so I read a little whenever I can.

Searching for a Religion

Well, not really a religion. I believe what I believe. I just want to be baptized. I've never been baptized and I am 29 years old. I don't need a church to tell me what to believe. I guess I am doing it so wen I die I don't end up in purgatory or hell or even stuck in this place. There are so many religions, how do you know which is the write one? I was invited to an Episcopalian church because I reached out to the Pastor. I never went because it was Mother's Day and I kind of felt like being home even though I had to work later int he day. All the kneeling and standing....I just don't understand.

How does all of that bring you closer to God?

And, then you have all the radical beliefs. Preachers telling their followers to "beat the gay out of your son". I just don't agree with any of that. And these are the preachers you later hear about how that killed himself or they were caught molesting young children or cheating on the spouse.

Come on, really?!?!

Here is what I believe:

1. I believe in a higher power, be it God, Allah, Yahweh , Aliens, or a man/women holding the strings. Who am I to say exactly who or what it is.
2. I believe that a man named Jesus taught our ancestors about  religion and his beliefs and that he died for our sins.
3. I believe that the Di Vinci Code has a lot of truth behind it and in it.
4. I believe in Angels and demons. (good/bad; yin/yang)
5. I believe that you don't need to go to a building to pray, because on can "find God under a rock".
6. I believe that if you do intentionally bad things you will not be forgiven.
7. I believe that if you do things in conscience that you will be at some point rewarded for you attempts. Meaning do do something good with hopes that you will be rewarded do it because you want to, because it's the right thing to do.

Just to name a few.

If I could start my own religion I would. No persecution, no hate, treat someone the way you would want to be treated, love someone the way you would want to be loved.

So my search for a church.religion continues and until I find on that I like, that I am happy with I will continue to do what I feel is right. What I feel suits me.