I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.
God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.
Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same. Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?
There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.
Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Monday, March 13, 2017
Friday, February 24, 2017
33 Now Boarding Flight GoodBye
As the last month of my 33rd year of life begins I find myself contemplating things. Wow! That sounds life the beginning of a "Dear John" letter to my life. I honestly did not intend for it to sound that way. My 33rd year of life started out amazing. I finally got baptized and am now Catholic. The last 3 months or so have been rough.
There is something I really want to write about but I'll do that in my actual journal. It's something I need to work through on my own and privately I guess.
Anyway, back to the last three months. My mom ended up in the hospital and almost dying from an infection from a boil. Between the hospital and the rehab/nursing home she was gone for like two months. I could go more into that but why? For what? The only outcome of that is I'd only be pissing myself off again over the situation. It's not worth it. I'll let people think what they want on that. My mom is not 100% but she's home and getting better. She will need reconstruction surgery on her legs. And that is better than before. In the beginning she was in the icu. It's was scary and heartbreaking.
Just when I thought we'd catch that break that was coming to me. My hubby's grandmother literally went to the emergency room like once a week till finally they kept her for about a week. While that happened my own grandmother went into the hospital. She was right across the hall for hubby's grandmother and I was running back and forth between the two rooms. It was crazy. Thank God everyone is now home and on the mend. My grandmother now has to do dialysis three times a week for the rest of her life. It has been put off and push back for quite sometime. It was inevitable and it was only a matter of time. And that time has finally come. She is not happy and often reminds me that my grandfather was on dialysis before he died. I have to remind her the dialysis didn't kill him. The stroke he had while on the operating table ultimately killed him.
Work has been so stressful. It seems like one thing after another comes up. At times I feel like I may be overreacting but it gets so overwhelming and there is no support. So when I get hit with everything's all at once I get awful panic attacks. Sometimes they feel like heart attacks. I wonder if I've had at least a couple small heart attacks in the last few weeks. I'm seriously not overdramatizing.
Back to my 33rd year of life. This past year I've seen wonderful things. I've seen relationships begin. Relationships end. I've seen marriages begin. Congrats D and B. I've seen marriages fall apart and ultimately end. I've seen birth announcements, announcements of pregnancies. And with birth comes death and I've seen a few of those this year. My grandmother's sister being one and a good friend of mine who helped plan my wedding back in 2004.
I am no where near where I want to be in life. I'm not there yet but it's a long process. 34 will be amazing.
There is something I really want to write about but I'll do that in my actual journal. It's something I need to work through on my own and privately I guess.
Anyway, back to the last three months. My mom ended up in the hospital and almost dying from an infection from a boil. Between the hospital and the rehab/nursing home she was gone for like two months. I could go more into that but why? For what? The only outcome of that is I'd only be pissing myself off again over the situation. It's not worth it. I'll let people think what they want on that. My mom is not 100% but she's home and getting better. She will need reconstruction surgery on her legs. And that is better than before. In the beginning she was in the icu. It's was scary and heartbreaking.
Just when I thought we'd catch that break that was coming to me. My hubby's grandmother literally went to the emergency room like once a week till finally they kept her for about a week. While that happened my own grandmother went into the hospital. She was right across the hall for hubby's grandmother and I was running back and forth between the two rooms. It was crazy. Thank God everyone is now home and on the mend. My grandmother now has to do dialysis three times a week for the rest of her life. It has been put off and push back for quite sometime. It was inevitable and it was only a matter of time. And that time has finally come. She is not happy and often reminds me that my grandfather was on dialysis before he died. I have to remind her the dialysis didn't kill him. The stroke he had while on the operating table ultimately killed him.
Work has been so stressful. It seems like one thing after another comes up. At times I feel like I may be overreacting but it gets so overwhelming and there is no support. So when I get hit with everything's all at once I get awful panic attacks. Sometimes they feel like heart attacks. I wonder if I've had at least a couple small heart attacks in the last few weeks. I'm seriously not overdramatizing.
Back to my 33rd year of life. This past year I've seen wonderful things. I've seen relationships begin. Relationships end. I've seen marriages begin. Congrats D and B. I've seen marriages fall apart and ultimately end. I've seen birth announcements, announcements of pregnancies. And with birth comes death and I've seen a few of those this year. My grandmother's sister being one and a good friend of mine who helped plan my wedding back in 2004.
I am no where near where I want to be in life. I'm not there yet but it's a long process. 34 will be amazing.
Saturday, September 3, 2016
An Update After A Year. Where Has The Time Gone?
I was bored, messing around on my laptop, and decided to come check out my blog. Apparently it has been over a year since I posted anything. I don't think anyone really reads this. It is mostly for me and my memories, besides I post on Facebook and actually write in an old fashioned journal with an old fashioned pen and paper.
Well, looking back that last thing I posted was a post about picking a date for our marriage convalidation in preparation to become a Roman Catholic. You can read about that post here. I have also explained in previous posts about what a convalidation is, so there really isn't much need to go into that again.
On February 8th, 2016, hubby and I had our marriage legally recognized in the Catholic Church. It was a small ceremony. It was beautifully unorganized and chaotic. It was perfect for us. None of my family showed up. We forgot to reminded my father in law. My mother in law was there. My bestie, Kelli came out for the weekend from PA and was my Matron of Honor. Hubby's friend Alex was his Best Man. Our other guests included Alex's wife, Mae and Wayne, Alice, and Danielle. We went for a 1950's retro theme. My friend Danielle, not only did my hair in adorable victory rolls, she also did a reading of the Old Testament for us. After the ceremony Danielle, Kelli, Mea, Wayne , hubby and I went to Koto, for sushi and hibachi. We had an absolute blast. As a gift Kelli and her hubby got us a hotel room for the night. Bow chicka bow wow!! I later decided to extent it for the entire weekend and we had a nice little getaway. Overall, it was a memorable weekend, on I will never forget.
People and thing are placed in your life for a reason. Everyday I am reminded of this. One of the girls from my RCIA class also had to get her marriage convalidated. Her husband is in the military and most for her family doesn't live close. I offered to take pictures for her and came to support her. She brought her camera and I took the pictures. Doing that gave me the photography bug. I used to go to school for photography and have since lost my motivation and love for it. It became a chore and the reviews I got in the classes, broke my spirit. I allowed their negative comments to become a reality and stopped taking picture and sold my very expensive camera. Since taking picture for Diana, I regained my motivation and have since purchased a camera of my own. It isn't a professional camera, but it's a beginners type of camera.
Easter Vigil. The big day. The day I spent the last year working towards, studying for (there were not tests by the way), praying one finally came. I wore white pants and a teal top. I wore my hair down and curly because I new my hair would get wet. I was filled with excitement and honor and love. There really isn't much to talk about about it. I mean I can't really find the word to describe the evening. It was beautiful.
I was confirmed shortly after being baptized. I had to pick a confirmation name and he name that I chose was Gianna, after Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. I will do a post about her at a later time.
I wore my glass that day because I knew I'd cry and I didn't want my contact to pop out from crying. That's what happened at the vow renewal and my contacts were bothering me for most of the night.
So now that I am Catholic, I have gone to confession a few times. I absolutely hate going to confession I have to analyze every aspect of my life to see what I've done and what I haven't done. And I must confess it all.
I also purchased a veil. It was one of the things that attracted me to wanting to be come Catholic. Little did I know it is not a common practice nowadays. So, I purchased a beautiful veil and found a
church that offers the Traditional Latin Mass. And I loved it.
I had asked my grandmother if she had any veils that belonged to my great grandmother, since she was catholic in the old days and would have most likely had a ton of veils. She wasn't sure and searched her house and found a beautiful black, gold and silver veil. It is not the only thing that I have that belonged to my great grandmother. I am afraid to wear it because it is so fragile and the edges are starting to fray. But it is beautiful all the same. And will be a piece that I'll cherish forever. No I just need to get motivated into going back to church. Each week I say I will go to confession and start back up but each week I don't.
Well, looking back that last thing I posted was a post about picking a date for our marriage convalidation in preparation to become a Roman Catholic. You can read about that post here. I have also explained in previous posts about what a convalidation is, so there really isn't much need to go into that again.
On February 8th, 2016, hubby and I had our marriage legally recognized in the Catholic Church. It was a small ceremony. It was beautifully unorganized and chaotic. It was perfect for us. None of my family showed up. We forgot to reminded my father in law. My mother in law was there. My bestie, Kelli came out for the weekend from PA and was my Matron of Honor. Hubby's friend Alex was his Best Man. Our other guests included Alex's wife, Mae and Wayne, Alice, and Danielle. We went for a 1950's retro theme. My friend Danielle, not only did my hair in adorable victory rolls, she also did a reading of the Old Testament for us. After the ceremony Danielle, Kelli, Mea, Wayne , hubby and I went to Koto, for sushi and hibachi. We had an absolute blast. As a gift Kelli and her hubby got us a hotel room for the night. Bow chicka bow wow!! I later decided to extent it for the entire weekend and we had a nice little getaway. Overall, it was a memorable weekend, on I will never forget. 
People and thing are placed in your life for a reason. Everyday I am reminded of this. One of the girls from my RCIA class also had to get her marriage convalidated. Her husband is in the military and most for her family doesn't live close. I offered to take pictures for her and came to support her. She brought her camera and I took the pictures. Doing that gave me the photography bug. I used to go to school for photography and have since lost my motivation and love for it. It became a chore and the reviews I got in the classes, broke my spirit. I allowed their negative comments to become a reality and stopped taking picture and sold my very expensive camera. Since taking picture for Diana, I regained my motivation and have since purchased a camera of my own. It isn't a professional camera, but it's a beginners type of camera.
Easter Vigil. The big day. The day I spent the last year working towards, studying for (there were not tests by the way), praying one finally came. I wore white pants and a teal top. I wore my hair down and curly because I new my hair would get wet. I was filled with excitement and honor and love. There really isn't much to talk about about it. I mean I can't really find the word to describe the evening. It was beautiful.
 |
| The moment I became Catholic. |
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| The 3 of us the were received baptism got to bring the bread and wine up to the alter for consecration. |
 |
| Receiving my first communion |
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| My mother in law, who was also my sponsor and I |
So now that I am Catholic, I have gone to confession a few times. I absolutely hate going to confession I have to analyze every aspect of my life to see what I've done and what I haven't done. And I must confess it all.
I also purchased a veil. It was one of the things that attracted me to wanting to be come Catholic. Little did I know it is not a common practice nowadays. So, I purchased a beautiful veil and found achurch that offers the Traditional Latin Mass. And I loved it.
 |
| My Great Grandmother's Veil |
I had asked my grandmother if she had any veils that belonged to my great grandmother, since she was catholic in the old days and would have most likely had a ton of veils. She wasn't sure and searched her house and found a beautiful black, gold and silver veil. It is not the only thing that I have that belonged to my great grandmother. I am afraid to wear it because it is so fragile and the edges are starting to fray. But it is beautiful all the same. And will be a piece that I'll cherish forever. No I just need to get motivated into going back to church. Each week I say I will go to confession and start back up but each week I don't.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
So This Is What It Is Like...
...to be homeless.
Yup. We have no home to call our own. It isn't the first time and I pray to God it is the LAST time. I won't go into details on how we ended up like this. But will the passing of Billy's grandfather it kind of works out for the best. Thank God for my mother in law. We'd be living out of my car or in a motel if it weren't for her. She was kind enough to open her home to us.
It was bound to happen. I got so far behind in the bills and rent. I tried everything I could possibly think of to prevent the inevitable. But here we are, living out of bags and storage. Its kind of like and extended camping trip. I like camping. Not sue I will like it in a day or two. But for the time being I am fortunate to say even though I don't have a home, I have a warm place to stay. Not many people can say that.
We may be down but we are not out. I/We have been through worse. I think the worse thing we've gone though is the passing of our daughter. I can sit here and say that I am 99.9999% sure Billy would agree. We have a plan and by the grace of God that plan will come to reality and hopefully soon.
These last few months have really put things in prospective for me. I made the choices. I wanted to LIVE and not worry about money and what I can and can't afford. I am now paying for it but for those few shot months I was able to reconnect with Billy and just be....US. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, back to our plan. The plan is by the end of the year we will have a house. Not a rental but our own house. It'll be the 4 of us, Billy, his mom, grandma and myself. It will be interesting to say the least but we will be able to call it home and make it our own. I am already jumping the gun and mentally designing the house but that keeps my mind off other things. Like these insane anxiety and panic attacks. They have been so bad recently. To the point of physicality. That's not who I am. Yeah, as I kid that is what I did. Hell, I had to fight to survive. But, now that just isn't me. But shit happens.
Anyway, this is my life right now. Things are sucky but I have m health and my life, and the people that matter in my life. I am just in one of many dips on this rollercoaster ride that is life.
Yup. We have no home to call our own. It isn't the first time and I pray to God it is the LAST time. I won't go into details on how we ended up like this. But will the passing of Billy's grandfather it kind of works out for the best. Thank God for my mother in law. We'd be living out of my car or in a motel if it weren't for her. She was kind enough to open her home to us.
It was bound to happen. I got so far behind in the bills and rent. I tried everything I could possibly think of to prevent the inevitable. But here we are, living out of bags and storage. Its kind of like and extended camping trip. I like camping. Not sue I will like it in a day or two. But for the time being I am fortunate to say even though I don't have a home, I have a warm place to stay. Not many people can say that.
We may be down but we are not out. I/We have been through worse. I think the worse thing we've gone though is the passing of our daughter. I can sit here and say that I am 99.9999% sure Billy would agree. We have a plan and by the grace of God that plan will come to reality and hopefully soon.
These last few months have really put things in prospective for me. I made the choices. I wanted to LIVE and not worry about money and what I can and can't afford. I am now paying for it but for those few shot months I was able to reconnect with Billy and just be....US. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, back to our plan. The plan is by the end of the year we will have a house. Not a rental but our own house. It'll be the 4 of us, Billy, his mom, grandma and myself. It will be interesting to say the least but we will be able to call it home and make it our own. I am already jumping the gun and mentally designing the house but that keeps my mind off other things. Like these insane anxiety and panic attacks. They have been so bad recently. To the point of physicality. That's not who I am. Yeah, as I kid that is what I did. Hell, I had to fight to survive. But, now that just isn't me. But shit happens.
Anyway, this is my life right now. Things are sucky but I have m health and my life, and the people that matter in my life. I am just in one of many dips on this rollercoaster ride that is life.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Christmas 2014
Merry Christmas.
Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.
Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute.
I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there was silence. Empty silence.
This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace. Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've rid myself of those causing much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.
I've worked most holidays the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some form of mental illness.
Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.
I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.
Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.
I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Change Yourself and We Can Change the World
We as a society are on our way to hell in a hand basket. Hell we are probably there already. I don't watch the news anymore, haven't for a long while now, its too depressing. The media never wants to report anything good or positive. Always negative. Kids missing, cops killing people whether they are innocent or not, riots other countries hating us, isis, you name it. All that stuff just makes me want to lock myself up in a room and call it a day.
Growing up I used to want to save the world. Save the homeless. Save the hungry babies in Africa. Save the less fortunate here in our own backyards. Then I realized I couldn't save myself how would I save the world.
Years and years later I found a quote "you cant save everybody but everybody can save one person". I have decided that even before I can save anyone I have to save myself. If we all saved ourselves we'd then be able to save others. What has become of this world? Years from now they will find evidence of us being here and just like the Mayans, the Egyptians and the people of Atlantis, they will say what happened to these great people? What happened to us? We no longer care for our neighbor. We only care about ourselves and not in a good way.
I am not one to preach the bible or preach religion. What you believe is what you believe. Hell I'm confused just as much as the next person. But I have been looking to myself. Trying to make myself better. Reading the bible and other religious works.
I had posted something on facebook about the recent protests and riots in Ferguson Missouri. I understand the protests but the riots took things too far. Anyway I ended up deleting the post because the comments became hateful almost. And people that didnt even know each other were calling each other names, etc. Anyway in the post I had mentioned something that I read and couldn't remeber the context or where I read it. Anyway, it was from Psalms 78. "A stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God." That is what has become of us. That is what has become of this world. What happened to kindness and compassion? What happened to us being....humans? We need to get back to peace and kindness. Love thy neighbor.
I remember as a kid that we respected law enforcement and they the same. They were there to protect and serve us. And I'll probably get shit for this but now it seems like they protect and serve themselves. Law enforcement back in the day where seen as heros. Now they are viewed as villians. Yeah their are bad cops but there are also good too. At least that's what I chose to believe. It all boils down to RESPECT. Respect from us and respect from them. Stop with the attitudes when questioned. That goes for black, white, brown, purple, green, blue, yellow, red and so on.
This hatred we have for our law enforcement must stop. You wouldn't have this hatred toward our military, navy and army personnel. So why do you have it for your local law enforcement? Like I said yeah there are good cops and bad cops. There are appropriate avenues to go about making complaints. Riots and more violence is not the answer.
We are the change people talk about. We must change our world we live in. But thay change must start from within. Change yourself and we can change the nation.
Monday, November 10, 2014
It's The Little Things
Have I mentioned how much I love my husband?
He can be a royal pain in the arse sometimes but he's my pain in the arse.
Last week, I got stuck cleaning a former resident's bedroom. Ewww. Is all I have to say about that. Scrubbed the walls, disinfected everything and scrubbed the carpet, not once, not twice but 4 times. Yeah, so lord know what type of crap I inhaled. Plus a current resident has been ill. Seems mostly a head hold but still spreading germs all the same.
Now, I am coming down with something. Right now it's congestion in my sinuses and I am praying it is nothing more than that. I WILL NOT BE SICKER THAN THAT.
I took hubby to work this morning and came back home to have a coffee and go back to sleep until it was time for me to get up myself and go to work. Almost 2 hours later I check my phone and saw that hubby called FIVE times.
He didn't leave a message and I called back worried that something happened. He finally calls me back to say that he was being sent home early because the truck they were supposed to unload broke down. I told him I'd go get him but he said not to worry about it. Come to find out, he was walking home. I told him I'd pick him up where ever he was. Anyway when he finally gets home he has breakfast, candy and flowers for me. AWWWW.
 |
| LMAO |
He can be a royal pain in the arse sometimes but he's my pain in the arse.
Last week, I got stuck cleaning a former resident's bedroom. Ewww. Is all I have to say about that. Scrubbed the walls, disinfected everything and scrubbed the carpet, not once, not twice but 4 times. Yeah, so lord know what type of crap I inhaled. Plus a current resident has been ill. Seems mostly a head hold but still spreading germs all the same.
Now, I am coming down with something. Right now it's congestion in my sinuses and I am praying it is nothing more than that. I WILL NOT BE SICKER THAN THAT.
I took hubby to work this morning and came back home to have a coffee and go back to sleep until it was time for me to get up myself and go to work. Almost 2 hours later I check my phone and saw that hubby called FIVE times.He didn't leave a message and I called back worried that something happened. He finally calls me back to say that he was being sent home early because the truck they were supposed to unload broke down. I told him I'd go get him but he said not to worry about it. Come to find out, he was walking home. I told him I'd pick him up where ever he was. Anyway when he finally gets home he has breakfast, candy and flowers for me. AWWWW.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Bucket List
This is a list of all the things I want to do before I am the Big 4-0. This is not in any particular order except the first one.
**I am always adding stuff.**
**I am always adding stuff.**
- Have a Rainbow Baby
- Go to Puerto Rico
- Go on a cruise
- Visit/meet up with BLM
- Visit Christian's Beach in Australia
- Go to London
- Go to Paris
Fly on a plane- sky dive
- hot air balloon
- visit all of the lighthouses in NJ
- have a rainbow baby
- ride a motorcycle
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Dreams
What are they? Are they your subconscious? Are they messages from the beyond? Are they Angel's way of communicating with you? Are they God's way of communicating with you?
I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.
Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.
I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.
Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.
So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.
I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.
God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.
I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.
Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.
I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.
Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.
So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.
I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.
God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Here Without You...
And I have been drama free. Life is good. I will no longer worry and stress about why people aren't there. I've kept the door ajar for far too long. No one is going to come. I saw a meme the other day on facebook. It was something about deadbeat dads. A pick of a father and his kid and it said "this could be us but you never come around", or something like that. I ain't keep the door open anymore. Bugs are getting in. You want me you know where to find me. I've called and tried to reach out. You can't force a horse to drink water. I've been working on a letter. Not sure if i will send it out. I may even turn it into a book. Of course I will probably have to use a different name. I'm done trying. I know I keep saying that. But my God, I am tired of crying, tired of being tired, tired of wondering why.
Speaking of God. I have been learning so much from reading the bible. It's taking forever to read it but if I read it all in one shot I'd probably go crazy.
Speaking of God. I have been learning so much from reading the bible. It's taking forever to read it but if I read it all in one shot I'd probably go crazy.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Thought Provoking...very random
A friend if my posted something earlier on face book that really made me think.
Well I've always had it on my mind, but today it really made me want to post something and maybe I could work out my answers while writing it out.
Where/what is your place in this life...this world? If you've read my blog. Most of the posts are random about my finding my place in life. Where do I fit in? I tag most of my posts as 'soul searching'. I now wear many hats. Photography, jewelry making, march of dimes family team leader, and now wannabe writer. Why exactly am I doing it? For what? I'm searching for "myself". But who am I really? Where was I? Where am I going? I'm trying to find myself but where did I lose myself?
Am I searching for the me from four years ago? If so I should really stop looking. That person is in a tiny little box, wrapped in a tiny little bag with my daughter. I'd love to find that person again.
The me 15 years ago was nice too. Not a care in the world.
And now there's the me now. She is a cold bitter person. She is the one searching for her happiness. Searching for that smile she once had. She now has the permanent v between her brow. That permanent frown.
So here I am still without answers but with a ton more questions. And a million things to do with my time and not enough time to do it all.
So who am I and where am I going?
...to be continued
I'll eventually find my answers.
Well I've always had it on my mind, but today it really made me want to post something and maybe I could work out my answers while writing it out.
Where/what is your place in this life...this world? If you've read my blog. Most of the posts are random about my finding my place in life. Where do I fit in? I tag most of my posts as 'soul searching'. I now wear many hats. Photography, jewelry making, march of dimes family team leader, and now wannabe writer. Why exactly am I doing it? For what? I'm searching for "myself". But who am I really? Where was I? Where am I going? I'm trying to find myself but where did I lose myself?
Am I searching for the me from four years ago? If so I should really stop looking. That person is in a tiny little box, wrapped in a tiny little bag with my daughter. I'd love to find that person again.
The me 15 years ago was nice too. Not a care in the world.
And now there's the me now. She is a cold bitter person. She is the one searching for her happiness. Searching for that smile she once had. She now has the permanent v between her brow. That permanent frown.
So here I am still without answers but with a ton more questions. And a million things to do with my time and not enough time to do it all.
So who am I and where am I going?
...to be continued
I'll eventually find my answers.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Blue Face
I haven't posted in a really long time. I don't know why I do this to myself. And then when I get on here I end up posting this really long post and it is mostly me venting and I feel like it make me sound ungrateful.
I am not ungrateful by any means. I use this blog to vent, to share my hopes, share my dreams, to share my life. Though I don't know if my blog will help anyone or even anyone really reads them but they help me. My posts may not make any sense, that is because I just write what is on my mind and post. I hardly ever edit them. Anyway if you do read them thank you.
I haven't posted in a while about my loss. Don't ever think that I never think about my daughter. I think of her everyday. I just have nothing to write about when it comes to her. Does that make me horrible? I will say that this past May marked 4 years. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I should have a four year old running around.
Now onto my vent.
I can speak until I am blue in the face, but when I am blue in the face things still don't get done, or are as I want them to be. So why do I even bother? Because I deserve to have things the way I WANT THEM. I sound liker a petulant child but it's the truth. I have come so far in my 30 years. I was supposed to die when I was 14. Took a knife right to my wrists. Only had superficial cuts and the scars have all faded, although there are still some. But my point is. My life was hard. REALLY HARD. Yeah everyone at one point in their life says that, but for me, it was and is the truth. I pretty much raised myself and my siblings. Other things were going on too. Maybe one day when I finish one of my books and get published you'll know.
Then I met him and things felt...right. He told me I wouldn't have to worry. Told me he'd take care of me.
So why do I sit here blue in the face? Because I am keeping my mouth shut. Nothing has changed nor with it ever. I sit here blue in the face because.... I. LOVE. HIM.
No really much of a vent after all. Oh well.
I am not ungrateful by any means. I use this blog to vent, to share my hopes, share my dreams, to share my life. Though I don't know if my blog will help anyone or even anyone really reads them but they help me. My posts may not make any sense, that is because I just write what is on my mind and post. I hardly ever edit them. Anyway if you do read them thank you.
I haven't posted in a while about my loss. Don't ever think that I never think about my daughter. I think of her everyday. I just have nothing to write about when it comes to her. Does that make me horrible? I will say that this past May marked 4 years. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I should have a four year old running around.
Now onto my vent.
I can speak until I am blue in the face, but when I am blue in the face things still don't get done, or are as I want them to be. So why do I even bother? Because I deserve to have things the way I WANT THEM. I sound liker a petulant child but it's the truth. I have come so far in my 30 years. I was supposed to die when I was 14. Took a knife right to my wrists. Only had superficial cuts and the scars have all faded, although there are still some. But my point is. My life was hard. REALLY HARD. Yeah everyone at one point in their life says that, but for me, it was and is the truth. I pretty much raised myself and my siblings. Other things were going on too. Maybe one day when I finish one of my books and get published you'll know.
Then I met him and things felt...right. He told me I wouldn't have to worry. Told me he'd take care of me.
So why do I sit here blue in the face? Because I am keeping my mouth shut. Nothing has changed nor with it ever. I sit here blue in the face because.... I. LOVE. HIM.
No really much of a vent after all. Oh well.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Are You My Daddy???
There is so many things I want to say. So many things I need to say. I don't even know how to begin to organize my thoughts to be able to say all I need to without hurting anyone's feelings.
The number one thing is:
I will be turning 30 next week. For 30 years I have not known who my father is. For 30 years I have made up stories for myself to explain to my self why I don't know who he is. He moved to German shortly after I was born and dies in a riot that happened when the Berlin Wall was knocked down. IDK if there was a riot but I made up one in my head. He was a prince in some far off country and didn't know I existed. He was in jail for killing someone who tried to kidnap me. Yeah I know these are far fetched but when I was young everything I thought "who is my dad?", or "where is my father?" I'd tell myself this and that would answer my inquiry for a little while. When I would actually ask my mom she say it was this guy but then she'd change the story and finally ended with saying she didn't remember. How could you not remember a person that you were intimate with. What are you hiding. Then a family member got crazy and started saying some crazy shit about my grandfather being my dad. HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. And even if he did he was an amazing man and I didn't want for anything when I was in his care. Then when I was 15 she said that this other guy was my dad. IDK if she was just trying to shut me up but I knew deep down this guy and his family were not a part of me. Trifling ass people they were. Conniving con-artist. Lower than low. They were...trash. I went through the motions but slowly we grew apart. He declined a DNA test say he knew I was his daughter. IMO most mixed people look very similar when they are young. That is probably why I felt that his daughter and me looked a like. :-/ Maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But now after 30 years. I REALLY need to know. Since 2009 I have been wanting and needing to tell my "father"about his granddaughter, my daughter Shealyn. He needs to know she existed and I need to tell him she existed. I think that after 30 years, I am a big girl now and can take whatever the truth is. For some reason my family has always kept things form me. I guess they though I was crazy. I see it as being a passionate caring person. If you tell me something and I don't agree with it I will speak my mind. Most of the times when I went' off on them they would come at me with some off the wall shit and expect me not to have a reaction to it. Well like a good friend on mine has said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it."
I just want to know the truth. I just want to know who my father is. I have names..a few names in fact. My issue kind of my main issues if you tell me my entire life that this one guys is my father why all of a sudden would you change that? I don't get it. I really don't. I will probably go on the rest of my life not knowing and will probably die not knowing and that my friends...fucking sucks.
The number one thing is:
I will be turning 30 next week. For 30 years I have not known who my father is. For 30 years I have made up stories for myself to explain to my self why I don't know who he is. He moved to German shortly after I was born and dies in a riot that happened when the Berlin Wall was knocked down. IDK if there was a riot but I made up one in my head. He was a prince in some far off country and didn't know I existed. He was in jail for killing someone who tried to kidnap me. Yeah I know these are far fetched but when I was young everything I thought "who is my dad?", or "where is my father?" I'd tell myself this and that would answer my inquiry for a little while. When I would actually ask my mom she say it was this guy but then she'd change the story and finally ended with saying she didn't remember. How could you not remember a person that you were intimate with. What are you hiding. Then a family member got crazy and started saying some crazy shit about my grandfather being my dad. HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. And even if he did he was an amazing man and I didn't want for anything when I was in his care. Then when I was 15 she said that this other guy was my dad. IDK if she was just trying to shut me up but I knew deep down this guy and his family were not a part of me. Trifling ass people they were. Conniving con-artist. Lower than low. They were...trash. I went through the motions but slowly we grew apart. He declined a DNA test say he knew I was his daughter. IMO most mixed people look very similar when they are young. That is probably why I felt that his daughter and me looked a like. :-/ Maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But now after 30 years. I REALLY need to know. Since 2009 I have been wanting and needing to tell my "father"about his granddaughter, my daughter Shealyn. He needs to know she existed and I need to tell him she existed. I think that after 30 years, I am a big girl now and can take whatever the truth is. For some reason my family has always kept things form me. I guess they though I was crazy. I see it as being a passionate caring person. If you tell me something and I don't agree with it I will speak my mind. Most of the times when I went' off on them they would come at me with some off the wall shit and expect me not to have a reaction to it. Well like a good friend on mine has said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it."
I just want to know the truth. I just want to know who my father is. I have names..a few names in fact. My issue kind of my main issues if you tell me my entire life that this one guys is my father why all of a sudden would you change that? I don't get it. I really don't. I will probably go on the rest of my life not knowing and will probably die not knowing and that my friends...fucking sucks.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
You Ask; I Answer Part 1
So, I've had a bit of writers block
lately. Is that even possible to have writer's block when you are writing your
live story? lol. Well anyway I asked my FB friends to ask me any question that
wanted and I would attempt to write a blog post about it to possible get my
creative juices flowing.
So here is one of the questions I was asked.
I can only really speak from my point of view on this, even though I know guys whose fathers were around. I think when guys grow up and have families of their own; they have the opportunity to put an end to the cycle. I honestly think that girls lose out more.
There are a lot of little event and big events that occur in a girl’s life that she'll miss out on if her dad isn't around. Although I've had my grandfather for the early part of my life. He was my grandfather and father at most times but there was always a nagging question in the back of my head, "who is my father and what would it be like if he were around?" Daddy/daughter tea at school/ lunch/dances/ Girl Scout events. All of those I had to miss out on because one my grandfather wasn't able to take me or 2 and this was the case for most of them; part of me was kind of embarrassed to have my grandfather do these things with me. After all it wasn't his responsibility. He didn't help make me.
All of that stuff didn't really matter to me growing up. It wasn't until I was older, when life started really happening and my grandfather passed where I began to think, "Well I don't have a dad/father who is going to be there for certain life events." There are 3 main events in life (in my opinion) that we won't get to truly experience because our fathers aren't around. Graduation (if you graduate), your wedding day, and when you become a parent. There are other's I'm sure but these are the ones that mean the most to me.
We also have the boyfriend who comes
into the picture and wants to pretend to be daddy. "Oh call me
daddy." Ummm, no thank you, that is just wrong. People are creepy well my
experience with them...they are creepy and I will never understand why anyone
would want to take on someone else's responsibility of taking care/supporting
some other man's kid. I don't understand how a guy can sit back and have another man take care of what is theirs.
The first "role model" of a man that girls get a vision of is their father. If they don't have that solid figure, how are they going to know what to look for in a man?
In the end, I think that girls have it harder and lose out when their fathers aren't involved.
Hope that answers it.
keep the questions coming because this it fun.
xoxo
Betty
So here is one of the questions I was asked.
"Who do u think loses out more?
Girls who grow up without fathers? Or boys who grow up w out fathers? I've
heard conflicting opinions. Or is that too deep a topic?"
I'll start by answering the easiest
question first. No, it's not "too deep a topic". In fact, I find it
easier to write about things rather that talking about them. :)I can only really speak from my point of view on this, even though I know guys whose fathers were around. I think when guys grow up and have families of their own; they have the opportunity to put an end to the cycle. I honestly think that girls lose out more.
There are a lot of little event and big events that occur in a girl’s life that she'll miss out on if her dad isn't around. Although I've had my grandfather for the early part of my life. He was my grandfather and father at most times but there was always a nagging question in the back of my head, "who is my father and what would it be like if he were around?" Daddy/daughter tea at school/ lunch/dances/ Girl Scout events. All of those I had to miss out on because one my grandfather wasn't able to take me or 2 and this was the case for most of them; part of me was kind of embarrassed to have my grandfather do these things with me. After all it wasn't his responsibility. He didn't help make me.
All of that stuff didn't really matter to me growing up. It wasn't until I was older, when life started really happening and my grandfather passed where I began to think, "Well I don't have a dad/father who is going to be there for certain life events." There are 3 main events in life (in my opinion) that we won't get to truly experience because our fathers aren't around. Graduation (if you graduate), your wedding day, and when you become a parent. There are other's I'm sure but these are the ones that mean the most to me.
The first "role model" of a man that girls get a vision of is their father. If they don't have that solid figure, how are they going to know what to look for in a man?
In the end, I think that girls have it harder and lose out when their fathers aren't involved.
Hope that answers it.
keep the questions coming because this it fun.
xoxo
Betty
Friday, November 30, 2012
Biting My Tongue
There is so much I want to say.
So much I need to say.
I know all the anxiety I am getting has a lot to do with all of the crap I am holding in. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. All I know is that I am just...miserable. And the anxiety just make this fifty million times worse. How, when did I become so bitter? It's border line hatred. Not toward anyone in particular, not to anything in particular. I really don't like that way I am feeling.
I don't know I hope what ever is going on with me ends soon, because i am tired of feeling this way.
Laters,
So much I need to say.
I know all the anxiety I am getting has a lot to do with all of the crap I am holding in. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. All I know is that I am just...miserable. And the anxiety just make this fifty million times worse. How, when did I become so bitter? It's border line hatred. Not toward anyone in particular, not to anything in particular. I really don't like that way I am feeling.
I don't know I hope what ever is going on with me ends soon, because i am tired of feeling this way.
Laters,
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Hmm...
It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have been so engrossed in work and life, that I haven't really had anytime for me. No I take the back the only me time I get is when I am reading a book. Been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly romance novels that get my head a fudged up.
October and November have been pretty crazy months forme us. October was just a bad, bad month. I'll spare all the details. The end of October we got hit with Hurricane Sandy. Holy cow. The devastation. Places I've spent summers with family and friends are...gone. We were without power for about 5 days. But I'd rather take that than experience what other people have. My daughter's God mom was in the middle of moving and lost pretty much everything. I know someone who was without power for 16 days. Wow...talk about living in the dark ages. can't imagine. I was barely keeping it together with the 5 days we were without. Working in the dark sucked. Especially with what I do. Halloween was canceled. Who would have thought.
November, seems to be better but my head just won't stop. I don't know if I'm coming or going. There is just so much on my mind, so much I want to say. But I'm afraid to say it, afraid to hurt feelings. Afraid to come across as, as a bitch.
I see so much potential in people and yet they aren't trying or don't want to try.
Thanksgiving was pretty nice. We spent the day with hubby's family, before I had to go to work. Working holidays suck, but I look at it as it pays the bills. I wish I didn't have to work so much.
I blew my back out and now they say I have sciatica. Crap this hurts. i have been in constant pains since the beginning of November. I've always have back issues and tailbone issues. But this is for the dogs. I would love to be pain free.
Hubby's birthday is coming up. He wasn't to go to Red Lobster. We'll probably do that on the weekends., Since I have to work on his actual birthday. He don't want much of anything for his birthday or Christmas. He does want the WII U, the new game systemthat's coming out that came out. I've asked him a couple of times what he wants and all he says is, "I want you".
Oh we put out tree up for the first time in like 4 years.
Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.
October and November have been pretty crazy months for
November, seems to be better but my head just won't stop. I don't know if I'm coming or going. There is just so much on my mind, so much I want to say. But I'm afraid to say it, afraid to hurt feelings. Afraid to come across as, as a bitch.
Thanksgiving was pretty nice. We spent the day with hubby's family, before I had to go to work. Working holidays suck, but I look at it as it pays the bills. I wish I didn't have to work so much.
I blew my back out and now they say I have sciatica. Crap this hurts. i have been in constant pains since the beginning of November. I've always have back issues and tailbone issues. But this is for the dogs. I would love to be pain free.
Hubby's birthday is coming up. He wasn't to go to Red Lobster. We'll probably do that on the weekends., Since I have to work on his actual birthday. He don't want much of anything for his birthday or Christmas. He does want the WII U, the new game system
Oh we put out tree up for the first time in like 4 years.
Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Just so September doesn't pass without a post
I have been so angry, so aggravated and so stressed out these last few....I can't even begin to tell you how long. I'm sure Ill get through it. I'll update more and in depth at a later date. But my jewelry hobby is really starting to take off. That's good. :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
So Tired
I am so tired. I have no motivation for anything. I'm tired of work, I'm tired of things being the way they are. I'm tired of not "being a women". I feel like I hit menopause a long time ago. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of doing the same crap over and over again. I'm tired of being broke all the time. I'm tired of driving a death trap of a car. I'm tired of my family on contacting me when they need something. When was the last time they called me? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm tired of being alone. Yeah, I have my husband but I'm alone. I'm tired of being quiet. I'm tired, tired, tired.
On another note: My rosary/jewelry seems to going good. I'm have few orders, mostly for bracelets.
Sad thing: The only time I'm happy is when I put my ipod on loud and create something.
Things HAVE got to get better, they just have too.
On another note: My rosary/jewelry seems to going good. I'm have few orders, mostly for bracelets.
Sad thing: The only time I'm happy is when I put my ipod on loud and create something.
Things HAVE got to get better, they just have too.
Monday, July 2, 2012
50 Shades
I am completely obsessed with the series. I read the whole trilogy in one week. Some people might not like it. But I can put all the sex in it aside (although it's pretty hot) and focus on the story. The love story in it is really good. I don't normally get panic attacks from reading a book. I mean serious who does that? This girl apparently. In the second book, 50 Shades Darker, I think I had 5 panic attacks. Well, more like anxiety attacks but still. Yes, so I'm obsessed with a book, and in love with fictional people. I need a life. SMH.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Repeat, peat, peat
"I love you like a love song baby. I love you like a love song baby. And I keep hitting repeat, peat, peat."
That song is stuck in my head. I feel like I'm on repeat. Wake up- go to work- take hubby to work- come home- watch tv- shower-bed- wake-up....do it all over again. Mind you I can't really do anything constructive during the day because I work nights. Which means I don't wind down from the day until around 3am and then I wake up at like 1 in the afternoon. If I do have to do something I wake up in the mornings but I am sooooo tired. I drag myself around. So I'm stuck on repeat. I got to change. Something has go to change. Being an independent person is a good thing but a terrible thing at the same time.
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