Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

An Update After A Year. Where Has The Time Gone?

I was bored, messing around on my laptop, and decided to come check out my blog. Apparently it has been over a year since I posted anything. I don't think anyone really reads this. It is mostly for me and my memories, besides I post on Facebook and actually write in an old fashioned journal with an old fashioned pen and paper.

Well, looking back that last thing I posted was a post about picking a date for our marriage convalidation in preparation to become a Roman Catholic. You can read about that post here. I have also explained in previous posts about what a convalidation is, so there really isn't much need to go into that again.

On February 8th, 2016, hubby and I had our marriage legally recognized in the Catholic Church. It was a small ceremony. It was beautifully unorganized and chaotic. It was perfect for us. None of my family showed up. We forgot to reminded my father in law. My mother in law was there. My bestie, Kelli came out for the weekend from PA and was my Matron of Honor. Hubby's friend Alex was his Best Man. Our other guests included Alex's wife, Mae and Wayne, Alice, and Danielle. We went for a 1950's retro theme. My friend Danielle, not only did my hair in adorable victory rolls, she also did a reading of the Old Testament for us. After the ceremony Danielle, Kelli, Mea, Wayne , hubby and I went to Koto, for sushi and hibachi. We had an absolute blast. As a gift Kelli and her hubby got us a hotel room for the night. Bow chicka bow wow!! I later decided to extent it for the entire weekend and we had a nice little getaway. Overall, it was a memorable weekend, on I will never forget.


People and thing are placed in your life for a reason. Everyday I am reminded of this. One of the girls from my RCIA class also had to get her marriage convalidated. Her husband is in the military and most for her family doesn't live close. I offered to take pictures for her and came to support her. She brought her camera and I took the pictures. Doing that gave me the photography bug. I used to go to school for photography and have since lost my motivation and love for it. It became a chore and the reviews I got in the classes, broke my spirit. I allowed their negative comments to become a reality and stopped taking picture and sold my very expensive camera. Since taking picture for Diana, I regained my motivation and have since purchased a camera of my own. It isn't a professional camera, but it's a beginners type of camera.

Easter Vigil. The big day. The day I spent the last year working towards, studying for (there were not tests by the way), praying one finally came.  I wore white pants and a teal top. I wore my hair down and curly because I new my hair would get wet. I was filled with excitement and honor and love. There really isn't much to talk about about it. I mean I can't really find the word to describe the evening. It was beautiful.



The moment I became Catholic.

 I was confirmed shortly after being baptized. I had to pick a confirmation name and he name that I chose was Gianna, after Saint Gianna Beretta Molla. I will do a post about her at a later time.

The 3 of us the were received baptism got to bring the bread and wine up to the alter for consecration.

Receiving my first communion

My mother in law, who was also my sponsor and I

I wore my glass that day because I knew I'd cry and I didn't want my contact to pop out from crying. That's what happened at the vow renewal and my contacts were bothering me for most of the night.

So now that I am Catholic, I have gone to confession a few times. I absolutely hate going to confession I have to analyze every aspect of my life to see what I've done and what I haven't done. And I must confess it all. 

I also purchased a veil. It was one of the things that attracted me to wanting to be come Catholic. Little did I know it is not a common practice nowadays. So, I purchased a beautiful veil and found a
church that offers the Traditional Latin Mass. And I loved it.


My Great Grandmother's Veil

I had asked my grandmother if she had any veils that belonged to my great grandmother, since she was catholic in the old days and would have most likely had a ton of veils. She wasn't sure and searched her house and found a beautiful black, gold and silver veil. It is not the only thing that I have that belonged to my great grandmother. I am afraid to wear it because it is so fragile and the edges are starting to fray. But it is beautiful all the same. And will be a piece that I'll cherish forever. No I just need to get motivated into going back to church. Each week I say I will go to confession and start back up but each week I don't.


Despensation, Convalidation, Bishops, Oh My! Update

Well we don't need a dispensation to have the convalidation. We do have to go about the convalidation as if we are engaged. That means weekly meetings with the Deacon and/or Priest for a shortened version of Pre-Cana

Last week during our first meeting we have to pick a date. Usually people going through convalidation will pick a date that is significant for them i.e anniversary. Our wedding anniversary in in May which is after Easter. That means if we go with May, I can't be baptized at Easter Vigil 2016. We had decided to go with the anniversary of when we started dating. Which is Feb. And back when we were engaged it was to be our original wedding date. I will have to find out if this date is ok because it in 2 days before the start of Lent. If this date is ok we will be getting remarried Feb. 8, 2016. Exactly 17 years to the day when we started dating. The cool thing is it's on a Monday and exactly the same 17 years ago.

Now of course if I had it my way we would do the convalidation this month. Yesterday even. But I guess its a compromise. I know he doesn't want to do to this. He is doing it for me. Because he knows what being baptized means to me. But I look at it all like this. We have been wanting to renew our vows. Although we would be making new vows I look at it like its the same vows just...better. I don't think he will ever see it like that. If he did he would probably feel better about it. We don't get much time talk about it but I know his feelings. And he is currently feeling like that last 11 years of marriage doesn't/didn't exist. Although legally we have been married. In the eyes of the church we haven't.

This whole process is difficult to put into words. All I do know is at times I feel defeated. Like its al pointless and will never happen. I guess that is God testing my faith to see if this is something I really want. It is also helping with my patience. If you know me you know that I am very impatient and if I had it my way I'd be baptized already.

Today we meet with the Deacon again. I'll eventually update.

Dispensations, Convalidations, Bishops, Oh My!

I have been speaking with the Deacon who has been my instructor for RCIA. According to him before I can receive any of the Sacraments and possibly even before I can participate in the Rite of Acceptance, we have to have our marriage Convalidated. Convalidation is basically getting your marriage validated in the eyes of the church. Even though we had a minister preside over our wedding in the eyes of the church it was a civil marriage. In the eyes of the law, we have been rightfully married for 11 years. In the eyes of the church we aren’t. Since my husband was baptized Catholic when he was a baby, and I was never baptized we need a dispensation That is, from what I’ve gather, permission for the Bishop for a Catholic and non-baptized person to get married. The Deacon says there shouldn’t be a problem because I am going though RCIA.

I have to find my marriage certificate. I need it anyway to renew my license. I know the last time I saw it was when we were packing to move. I can’t remember if we put it in storage or if we brought it with us. Oh well I guess I will find it and if not I’ll just have to go to the vital statistics office to get a new one.

I went looking on line about the whole convalidation process. I found some sample forms that we will need to fill out. We have to agree that our marriage is invalid. But I keep telling myself that it is only invalid in the eyes of the church. I have still been married for over ten years. The ups and downs we have been through existed and have made us the strong loving couple we are today. I have people telling us all the time. “I want what you guys have.” “You guys are so cute together, so much love between the two of you.” That has to mean something in the eyes of the Church. No?

Has anyone out there been through this? How did it work out for you? What were some bumps you hit? How did you get through it?