Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

33 Now Boarding Flight GoodBye

As the last month of my 33rd year of life begins I find myself contemplating things. Wow! That sounds life the beginning of a "Dear John" letter to my life. I honestly did not intend for it to sound that way. My 33rd year of life started out amazing. I finally got baptized and am now Catholic. The last 3 months or so have been rough.

There is something I really want to write about but I'll do that in my actual journal. It's something I need to work through on my own and privately I guess.

Anyway, back to the last three months. My mom ended up in the hospital and almost dying from an infection from a boil. Between the hospital and the rehab/nursing home she was gone for like two months. I could go more into that but why? For what? The only outcome of that is I'd only be pissing myself off again over the situation. It's not worth it. I'll let people think what they want on that. My mom is not 100% but she's home and getting better. She will need reconstruction surgery on her legs. And that is better than before. In the beginning she was in the icu. It's was scary and heartbreaking.

Just when I thought we'd catch that break that was coming to me. My hubby's grandmother literally went to the emergency room like once a week till finally they kept her for about a week.  While that happened my own grandmother went into the hospital. She was right across the hall for hubby's grandmother and I was running back and forth between the two rooms. It was crazy. Thank God everyone is now home and on the mend. My grandmother now has to do dialysis three times a week for the rest of her life.  It has been put off and push back for quite sometime. It was inevitable and it was only a matter of time. And that time has finally come. She is not happy and often reminds me that my grandfather was on dialysis before he died. I have to remind her the dialysis didn't kill him. The stroke he had while on the operating table ultimately killed him.

Work has been so stressful. It seems like one thing after another comes up. At times I feel like I may be overreacting but it gets so overwhelming and there is no support. So when I get hit with everything's all at once I get awful panic attacks. Sometimes they feel like heart attacks. I wonder if I've had at least a couple small heart attacks in the last few weeks. I'm seriously not overdramatizing.

Back to my 33rd year of life. This past year I've seen wonderful things. I've seen relationships begin. Relationships end. I've seen marriages begin. Congrats D and B.  I've seen marriages fall apart and ultimately end. I've seen birth announcements, announcements of pregnancies.  And with birth comes death and I've seen a few of those this year. My grandmother's sister being one and a good friend of mine who helped plan my wedding back in 2004.

I am no where near where I want to be in life. I'm not there yet but it's a long process. 34 will be amazing.

Christmas 2014

Merry Christmas.

Christmas eve and Christmas day are two of the many holidays a childless mother like me never really look forward to.

Christmas 2014 would have been Shealyn's sixth Christmas with us. Let that soak in for a minute. 

I should have been at home enjoying my image of a perfect Christmas morning with laughter echoing through the halls amd the smell of brewing coffee floating in the air. The three of us sitting by the tree opening gifts. But instead there  was silence. Empty silence.

This Christmas compared to the past six was different. Different in that even though I miss Shealyn and the idea of her being here, Christmas this year was full of peace.  Maybe that is because of all I've done this past year to rest my soul, my mind and my heart. As you know I  read the bible pretty regularly. Not every day but I read little bits here and there. I've  rid myself of those causing  much heartache and drama in my life. I no longer cared if hubby and I could afford doing Christmas. Major financial issues going on. I'm sure just like most of you but no one really likes talking about that when in reality we all are in the same boat...a few checks from being hungry, homeless or in the dark.

I've worked most holidays  the past three years and this year was no different. This Christmas I was able to reflect on working while at work. Actively participating in the activities going on around me, I  was able to partially remove myself and view what was going on around me. I was able to appreciate the smiles on all of those around me. It was the work I was doing that was easing their minds and worries allowing them to smile even if for just a little while. My world  didn't revolve around me. It wasn't the smiles of family that made this Christmas feel special it was the smiles of thoses that society is to quick to forget about. Those that are often mistreated due to the stigmatization for having some  form of mental illness.

Although no gifts were exchanged in my home I believe I was given the gift  being free of the worries and heartache and disappointment in my life even if it was for two days. My spirit is warming. The load I bare is slowly being lifted. I see that second set of footprints fading. I know why that is.

I feel blessed for this clarity. And blessed to experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Through all of this I still terribly missed Shealyn. My heartached at the sight of an empty tree skirt. I missed the idea of generations of family members coming together in the spirit of love, selflessness, and kindness to  exchange stories of the past year and maybe even a gift or two.

I hope you all had a wonderfulChristmas filled with all you've dreamed of.

Change Yourself and We Can Change the World

We as a society are on our way to hell in a hand basket.  Hell we are probably there already. I don't watch the news anymore, haven't for a long while now, its too depressing. The media never wants to report anything good or positive.  Always negative. Kids missing, cops killing people whether they are innocent or not, riots other countries hating us, isis, you name it. All that stuff just makes me want to lock myself up in a room and call it a day.

Growing up I used to want to save the world. Save the homeless. Save the hungry babies in Africa. Save the less fortunate here in our own backyards. Then I realized I couldn't save myself how would I save the world.

Years and years later I found a quote "you cant save everybody but everybody can save one person". I have decided that even before I can save anyone I have to save myself. If we all saved ourselves we'd then be able to save others. What has become of this world? Years from now they will find evidence of us being here and just like the Mayans,  the Egyptians and the people of Atlantis, they will say what happened to these great people? What happened to us?  We no longer care for our neighbor. We only care about ourselves and not in a good way.

I am not one to preach the bible or preach religion. What you believe is what you believe.  Hell I'm confused just as much as the next person. But I have been looking to myself. Trying to make myself better. Reading the bible and other religious works. 

I had posted something on facebook about the recent protests and riots in Ferguson Missouri.  I understand the protests but the riots took things too far. Anyway I ended up deleting the post because the comments became hateful almost. And people that didnt even know each other were calling each other names, etc. Anyway in the post I had mentioned something that I read and couldn't remeber the context or where I read it. Anyway, it was from Psalms 78. "A stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God." That is what has become of us. That is what has become of this world. What happened to kindness and compassion?  What happened to us being....humans? We need to get back to peace and kindness.  Love thy neighbor.

I remember as a kid that we respected law enforcement and they the same. They were there to protect and serve us. And I'll probably get shit for this but now it seems like they protect and serve themselves. Law enforcement back in the day where seen as heros. Now they are viewed as villians. Yeah their are bad cops but there are also good too. At least that's what I chose to believe. It all boils down to RESPECT. Respect from us and respect from them. Stop with the attitudes when questioned. That goes for black, white, brown, purple, green, blue, yellow, red and so on.

This hatred we have for our law enforcement must stop. You wouldn't have this hatred toward our military,  navy and army personnel.  So why do you have it for your local law enforcement?  Like I said yeah there are good cops and bad cops. There are appropriate avenues to go about making complaints.  Riots and more violence is not the answer.

We are the change people talk about. We must change our world we live in. But thay change must start from within.  Change yourself and we can change the nation.