Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

G without the T &L

I'm such a cornball with title selections. Yes, it's a play on the phrase from the MTV show Jersey Shore. GTL- Gym, Tan, Laundry. 

About 2 weeks about I signed up to a gym membership. I did it on a whim. I had been wanting to get fit and get more healthy. My friend has had a incredible weight-loss journey and she inspired me to start getting healthy. seeing her progress has been amazing and I wanted that for myself. You can read about her story here. She started with a juice fast and has gone from there.

Anyway, back to me. So last Monday was my first day at the gym and I met with a trainer. We went over all of my physical issues. And then it was the dreaded weigh-in. Side Note: Can I just tell you how much I hate the scale. So I stepped on the scale. And to my amazement I had actually lost 4 pounds for the last time I weighed myself. It seems like every time I weigh myself I stay in the same range. IDK why but I have. I guess its good that I haven't gained much weight and have been able to maintain what I was weighing. So for the purpose of this post and in tracking my weight loss. I will post my weight in the caption of the pic below. 

First day of going to the
 gym and working out.
240.5 pounds



My goodness. As you can see I carry most of my weight in my belly. Thanks to PCOS. I look like I am pregnant and have always looked like that. Before I was pregnant I hated my stomach...after we lost Shealyn, I REALLY despised my stomach. It was a constant reminder of what wants here. It was a constant reminder of my body failing us. I'm not sure why it took so long but it took my 5 years of hating the way I looked to finally do something about it. Yeah people say, "oh you're beautiful" or "oh you're so pretty". And hearing it from my husband didn't really mean much. I mean, he's supposed to say I'm pretty, or I'm sexy. We are married. And even though I fix my hair nice, and put makeup on. I have never felt pretty, or beautiful and especially not sexy. But all of that is about to change.

Since the day I started going to the gym, which by the way, I am going almost every other day. I have also joined a weight loss group at the gym. It is a weight loss boot camp type of challenge group, called One Size Smaller (OSS). I had gained some weight. I think because I am eating more, 4-6 small meals as opposed to 2 large meals and a tons of unhealthy snacks. But today I stepped on the scale (my OSS trainer wanted us to weight ourselves daily and if there is a gain we can address it faster) I was surprised at what I saw. I've lost weight and am now under 240. 238.5 to be exact. Treadmill, weight resistance, and some yoga and other group exercises. I can not wait to get to were I want to be.

calleswimsuits.com

Not this particular bikini, but I want to be able to wear one and not feel ridiculous. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". How can that statement be true when society tells us differently? I am not doing this for anyone but myself. I want to feel beautiful. I want to have someone say the words and I glance in my reflection and say, "you are damn right I am." With my current weight and size I just do see or feel it. And for me it affects other aspects of my life. I don't want to be toothpick skinny. I want to be a healthy weight and size for my age and height. I am pushing for under 200. 160 would be ideal for me. But I will be happy with under 200 to start with. 

My group training with my OSS group was insane. I almost wanted to quit it but I didn't. And I won't. My gym is affordable and convenient. It is right next to where hubby works so when I take him to work I have no excuse to not stop in and get a workout in. I am kind of turning into a work out monster. I was outside at work the other day taking a break and found myself doing a couple of squats lol. 

I will try to post weekly updates, probably on Friday or Saturday. I hope you will follow my journey. 

Love and Peace to you all. 

Betty 

xoxo

There Has To Be A Reason...

To why I am infertile. Yes, I have PCOS. But sometime I am not convinced that that is the only reason. We were watching  The Devil Inside, and just like with most of the things we watch hubby and I started taking about paranormal things we have witnessed or heard about out or even dreamt about. It got me thinking of a dream I had...well more like a nightmare I had had before the hubs and I got married.

Basically in this dream I was trying to cross a room full of snacks. I was a little more than mid way through the room. I had to cross over this giant snake. The was no way for me to go around to I had to step over it. Just as I was beginning to left the second leg the snake jumped up between my legs. Don't really know what happened afterward because I woke up.

There's a belief that snakes are representation of voodoo or black magic curses or even representation of the devil. It may sound stupid or ridiculous but I truly believe that this was done to me by other means.

Before Billy and I got together I I wasn't always regular but I had a semi normal cycles. Now they are nonexistent unless I take birth control or some other med to induce a cycle.

I don't know that's just how I am feeling right now.