I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.
God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.
Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same. Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?
There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.
Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Monday, March 13, 2017
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Dreams
What are they? Are they your subconscious? Are they messages from the beyond? Are they Angel's way of communicating with you? Are they God's way of communicating with you?
I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.
Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.
I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.
Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.
So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.
I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.
God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.
I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are too bizarre to even try to evaluate.
Like years ago, I had a dream where I was trying to get out of a room that was filled with snakes. Of all things snakes. FYI: I HATE SNAKES. Anyway, I was trying to walk over these snakes to get out of the room. I was in mid stride when one snake jumped up and entered me. I woke up after that. That is one dream that has stuck with me for years.
I had a similar dream a couple of weeks ago where something was trying to get at me (just like the snakes). Two days later I my cycle started.
Today, I had a dream that I woke up late for work. When I looked at my phone the time was (can't remember which) either 4:39 or 4:49. I was to be at work at 3:30. LOL. I told hubby and he said well go play the lottery. Stupid me, I did and wasted $2. The number that ended up coming out was 300. LOL.
So anyway back to what dreams are. As you may know I have been reading the bible. And I know I read something either in Job or the first 20 Psalms about something about visions or dreams. For the life of me I can't remember the verse and I didn't mark it. At the time I didn't need to now I wish I did. I'll have to look for it and come back and edit/update this post.
I need to really start listening to my dreams and someone remember them. I don't remember them all of the time. I have been receiving signs when I am awake and can only imagine what I am being given in my sleep.
God is real and He's definitely working with me. I feel it. I feel Him.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
What Is My Subconscious Saying?
Last night I had another strange dream. Well, it wasn't strange to me at all. I didn't like the symbolism's. And perhaps I know what they mean. Do I really want to allow myself to listen to it? Well anyway on to the dream.
I was in the hospital...visiting. It was the hospital where my grandfather passed away. I was in the room he died in, standing at the foot of the bed. I wasn't sad. In fact I don't remember feeling any type of emotion. He (my grandfather) was standing next to me. I didn't need to look at him. I know it was him from the smell of his Cologne/aftershave. Brut. But I looked anyway. There he stood next to me...to my right...as handsome as ever, with that grey twinkle in his eyes. It was him. Jeans, t-shirt, gold medallion, gold bracelet, and watch. His hair soft like baby hair. It was him, MY grandfather standing next to me for the first time in forever.
He acknowledged me with a smile, put his arm around me and drew his attention to the bed. I turned my head to look at what he was looking at. There was someone in the bed. I do not know who they were or if they were a man or a woman. The person was covered from head to toe in a blanket. They weren't dead but they were close. There was a tube coming from the bed by where the mouth of this person would have been. I followed the light blue tube to a ventilator. The ventilator had clearly seen better days. There was a sticker on the ventilator of a pink and purple butterfly. I tilted my head to the side and before I could ask.
My grandfather says, "The ventilator is old and not working properly. No matter what you do the result will be the same. If you put the new ventilator together the old one will stop working before you are done. It you can manage to get the new one together before then you will have to unplug to old one to plug the new one in. Either way the outcome will be the same and it will only prolong the inevitable."
I turn to speak but I am interrupted by a nurse who comes in and checks the monitors. She turns to me, smiles and nods, "Ma'am."
After she leaves the room, I turn to my grandfather, who is looking at me waiting for me to ask my question. I take a deep breathe, and ask, "Who is this? Why do I have to out it together?" He tightens his arm, kissing my hair takes a breathe and replies, "Because it will always you." Huh? What the hell does that mean? He continued, " No matter how hard you try and figure it out, look at it from a different angle the result will always be the same. You know that. I know that. I know the you know that, Pook." His nickname for me...Pook. Never understood it but that was one of his nicknames for me. I guess it's short for Pookie. I have no idea. One of the things I never got the chance to ask him about.
The nurse came back in, this time announcing the the floor would be closing soon and we need to leave in a few minutes. I say to the nurse, "Thank you."
I look up at my grandfather, soaking every detail of his face. Committing everything to memory. "Are you ready?", he asks me. Wait... ready for what? To leave? No, I'm not ready! I have so much I want to say. I nod and we begin to walk to the door. No, No, NO!!! I'm not ready to go. I can't leave yet, WHO'S IN THE BED?!?! Stopping at the door, he says, "You know..." Wait! Is he answering my unspoken question? No, I don't know. He kisses my temple, then continues, "...I miss seeing your smile." I say nothing. We enter the hall and part ways. No bye, no see you later.
That's when I wake up.
Link to my other dream.
I was in the hospital...visiting. It was the hospital where my grandfather passed away. I was in the room he died in, standing at the foot of the bed. I wasn't sad. In fact I don't remember feeling any type of emotion. He (my grandfather) was standing next to me. I didn't need to look at him. I know it was him from the smell of his Cologne/aftershave. Brut. But I looked anyway. There he stood next to me...to my right...as handsome as ever, with that grey twinkle in his eyes. It was him. Jeans, t-shirt, gold medallion, gold bracelet, and watch. His hair soft like baby hair. It was him, MY grandfather standing next to me for the first time in forever.
He acknowledged me with a smile, put his arm around me and drew his attention to the bed. I turned my head to look at what he was looking at. There was someone in the bed. I do not know who they were or if they were a man or a woman. The person was covered from head to toe in a blanket. They weren't dead but they were close. There was a tube coming from the bed by where the mouth of this person would have been. I followed the light blue tube to a ventilator. The ventilator had clearly seen better days. There was a sticker on the ventilator of a pink and purple butterfly. I tilted my head to the side and before I could ask.
My grandfather says, "The ventilator is old and not working properly. No matter what you do the result will be the same. If you put the new ventilator together the old one will stop working before you are done. It you can manage to get the new one together before then you will have to unplug to old one to plug the new one in. Either way the outcome will be the same and it will only prolong the inevitable."
I turn to speak but I am interrupted by a nurse who comes in and checks the monitors. She turns to me, smiles and nods, "Ma'am."
After she leaves the room, I turn to my grandfather, who is looking at me waiting for me to ask my question. I take a deep breathe, and ask, "Who is this? Why do I have to out it together?" He tightens his arm, kissing my hair takes a breathe and replies, "Because it will always you." Huh? What the hell does that mean? He continued, " No matter how hard you try and figure it out, look at it from a different angle the result will always be the same. You know that. I know that. I know the you know that, Pook." His nickname for me...Pook. Never understood it but that was one of his nicknames for me. I guess it's short for Pookie. I have no idea. One of the things I never got the chance to ask him about.
The nurse came back in, this time announcing the the floor would be closing soon and we need to leave in a few minutes. I say to the nurse, "Thank you."
I look up at my grandfather, soaking every detail of his face. Committing everything to memory. "Are you ready?", he asks me. Wait... ready for what? To leave? No, I'm not ready! I have so much I want to say. I nod and we begin to walk to the door. No, No, NO!!! I'm not ready to go. I can't leave yet, WHO'S IN THE BED?!?! Stopping at the door, he says, "You know..." Wait! Is he answering my unspoken question? No, I don't know. He kisses my temple, then continues, "...I miss seeing your smile." I say nothing. We enter the hall and part ways. No bye, no see you later.
That's when I wake up.
Link to my other dream.
Friday, August 31, 2012
It Has Been A While
Since I had a dream of her. Last night she was there. In my dreams. So close yet so far away. The dream didn't make much of any sense. It wasn't a literal dream. More to be interpreted. But she was there. And she was the cutest this I ever say. She looked to be about 3 years old. Which given either the day she was born or the day she should have been born is the right age. She had short really tight curly hair. Almost like a light brown to medium brown color. She was pale like daddy. I can't say if she looked like me or like daddy. But I knew at the second I saw her that it was her. I don't really remember having dreams of her. Just in the very beginning but they were more like nightmares. I wanted to get near her to touch her, to talk to her but the people there wouldn't let me.
It was a weird dream. Maybe someone reading can interpret it.
I was at a funeral. Don't know who's funeral. We are all outside at the cemetery. I was sitting in the back of all of the chairs. People were carrying the casket (which was about 8 feet long very exaggerated silver and gold) in a marching band type formation. I said to the person sitting next to me that this was ridiculous and got up and walk around to Shealyn's headstone. Which by the way, we don't have because we had her cremated. Anyway, I was facing her headstone and rested my head on it. This guys came walking over stopped a few feet from me and asked if I wanted privacy. I said no that it was ok. And he took a few steps closer, and began talking to me. We were talking about loss and I began asking him questions to kind of get a mans perspective. Then my husband came over asking he if could help the guy he said no and he and I said goodbye. I then walked back over to the funeral. which was now inside a building of some kind. I the seats were flipped. Those sitting the front were now in the back and those in the back were now in the front.
I was now in my seat and I was fiddling with some things I had in my hand, when I looked up to my right. And standing there in the corner of the room was I guy I used to work with who passed away about a year or so ago. I waved and stood up to walk over to him and that's when I saw her.
She was standing behind him and slightly to his right. She kind of looking like she was peaking around his legs. Kind of like how a kid does when they are shy. I stopped right where I was and just stared. Took in all of her feature. What she looked like. What she was wearing. She was so cute and so my daughter.
I began walking over to them again and by this time we were leaving the building. I was trying to get out of line so I can stay and talk with them but the people, so many people wouldn't let me. I was outside now trying to get back in and I couldn't and that is when I woke up.
What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Could it just be from the cold/fever I've had the last couple of days?
This is the first time I can honestly say that I dream of her. Where it was her, the age she would have been, the age she should be. And at this post I don't really care what the dream meant. I saw her and that's all that matters.
On a side note. If any one can interpret it please let me know what your thoughts are.
It was a weird dream. Maybe someone reading can interpret it.
I was at a funeral. Don't know who's funeral. We are all outside at the cemetery. I was sitting in the back of all of the chairs. People were carrying the casket (which was about 8 feet long very exaggerated silver and gold) in a marching band type formation. I said to the person sitting next to me that this was ridiculous and got up and walk around to Shealyn's headstone. Which by the way, we don't have because we had her cremated. Anyway, I was facing her headstone and rested my head on it. This guys came walking over stopped a few feet from me and asked if I wanted privacy. I said no that it was ok. And he took a few steps closer, and began talking to me. We were talking about loss and I began asking him questions to kind of get a mans perspective. Then my husband came over asking he if could help the guy he said no and he and I said goodbye. I then walked back over to the funeral. which was now inside a building of some kind. I the seats were flipped. Those sitting the front were now in the back and those in the back were now in the front.
I was now in my seat and I was fiddling with some things I had in my hand, when I looked up to my right. And standing there in the corner of the room was I guy I used to work with who passed away about a year or so ago. I waved and stood up to walk over to him and that's when I saw her.
She was standing behind him and slightly to his right. She kind of looking like she was peaking around his legs. Kind of like how a kid does when they are shy. I stopped right where I was and just stared. Took in all of her feature. What she looked like. What she was wearing. She was so cute and so my daughter.
I began walking over to them again and by this time we were leaving the building. I was trying to get out of line so I can stay and talk with them but the people, so many people wouldn't let me. I was outside now trying to get back in and I couldn't and that is when I woke up.
What does it mean? Does it mean anything? Could it just be from the cold/fever I've had the last couple of days?
This is the first time I can honestly say that I dream of her. Where it was her, the age she would have been, the age she should be. And at this post I don't really care what the dream meant. I saw her and that's all that matters.
On a side note. If any one can interpret it please let me know what your thoughts are.
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