33 Now Boarding Flight GoodBye

As the last month of my 33rd year of life begins I find myself contemplating things. Wow! That sounds life the beginning of a "Dear John" letter to my life. I honestly did not intend for it to sound that way. My 33rd year of life started out amazing. I finally got baptized and am now Catholic. The last 3 months or so have been rough.

There is something I really want to write about but I'll do that in my actual journal. It's something I need to work through on my own and privately I guess.

Anyway, back to the last three months. My mom ended up in the hospital and almost dying from an infection from a boil. Between the hospital and the rehab/nursing home she was gone for like two months. I could go more into that but why? For what? The only outcome of that is I'd only be pissing myself off again over the situation. It's not worth it. I'll let people think what they want on that. My mom is not 100% but she's home and getting better. She will need reconstruction surgery on her legs. And that is better than before. In the beginning she was in the icu. It's was scary and heartbreaking.

Just when I thought we'd catch that break that was coming to me. My hubby's grandmother literally went to the emergency room like once a week till finally they kept her for about a week.  While that happened my own grandmother went into the hospital. She was right across the hall for hubby's grandmother and I was running back and forth between the two rooms. It was crazy. Thank God everyone is now home and on the mend. My grandmother now has to do dialysis three times a week for the rest of her life.  It has been put off and push back for quite sometime. It was inevitable and it was only a matter of time. And that time has finally come. She is not happy and often reminds me that my grandfather was on dialysis before he died. I have to remind her the dialysis didn't kill him. The stroke he had while on the operating table ultimately killed him.

Work has been so stressful. It seems like one thing after another comes up. At times I feel like I may be overreacting but it gets so overwhelming and there is no support. So when I get hit with everything's all at once I get awful panic attacks. Sometimes they feel like heart attacks. I wonder if I've had at least a couple small heart attacks in the last few weeks. I'm seriously not overdramatizing.

Back to my 33rd year of life. This past year I've seen wonderful things. I've seen relationships begin. Relationships end. I've seen marriages begin. Congrats D and B.  I've seen marriages fall apart and ultimately end. I've seen birth announcements, announcements of pregnancies.  And with birth comes death and I've seen a few of those this year. My grandmother's sister being one and a good friend of mine who helped plan my wedding back in 2004.

I am no where near where I want to be in life. I'm not there yet but it's a long process. 34 will be amazing.

Six Years

Six long lonely sad years without you. It blows my mind when I sit and think I should have a six year old running around the use. What would the morning have been like this morning? I bet it would have been a lot noisier than it was. Jumping on mommy and daddy’s bed, screaming, “today my birthday mommy, I six daddy. I a big girl.” But we didn’t get anything like that. Instead I woke up from a sneezing attack and daddy saying ‘bless you’. Another quiet year is passing by. You’re not hear and we are….alone.

I don’t even know how I feel about you not being with us anymore. I’m sad. I’m always sad. But essentially it is what it is. I hate that phrase but I always seem to use it. It is what it is. I can’t change things. It’s not in my power to change them. But oh boy, if I change things, you’d be here with us and we’d be getting ready to finish up you kindergarten school year and planning trips for the summer to get ready for first grade. Instead you are up in Heaven, with both of your great-grandfathers. Getting more spoiled than even possible down here.

I had this long post in my head but I guess this will have to make due.

Happy 6^th birthday baby girl. Mommy and daddy miss you something terrible.

Hmm...

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I have been so engrossed in work and life, that I haven't really had anytime for me. No I take the back the only me time I get is when I am reading a book. Been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly romance novels that get my head a fudged up.

October and November have been pretty crazy months for me us. October was just a bad, bad month. I'll spare all the details. The end of October we got hit with Hurricane Sandy. Holy cow. The devastation. Places I've spent summers with family and friends are...gone. We were without power for about 5 days. But I'd rather take that than experience what other people have. My daughter's God mom was in the middle of moving and lost pretty much everything. I know someone who was without power for 16 days. Wow...talk about living in the dark ages. can't imagine. I was barely keeping it together with the 5 days we were without. Working in the dark sucked. Especially with what I do. Halloween was canceled. Who would have thought.

November, seems to be better but my head just won't stop. I don't know if I'm coming or going. There is just so much on my mind, so much I want to say. But I'm afraid to say it, afraid to hurt feelings. Afraid to come across as, as a bitch.

I see so much potential in people and yet they aren't trying or don't want to try.
Thanksgiving was pretty nice. We spent the day with hubby's family, before I had to go to work. Working holidays suck, but I look at it as it pays the bills. I wish I didn't have to work so much.

I blew my back out and now they say I have sciatica. Crap this hurts. i have been in constant pains since the beginning of November. I've always have back issues and tailbone issues. But this is for the dogs. I would love to be pain free.

Hubby's birthday is coming up. He wasn't to go to Red Lobster. We'll probably do that on the weekends., Since I have to work on his actual birthday. He don't want much of anything for his birthday or Christmas. He does want the WII U, the new game system that's coming out that came out. I've asked him a couple of times what he wants and all he says is, "I want you".

Oh we put out tree up for the first time in like 4 years.

Hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

Three Years

It absolutely blows my mind to think I should have a 3 year old running around the house. Shealyn was born and passed away 3 years ago today. It seems like so long ago yet feels like only yesterday.

I often wonder what she would be like? What she would be doing? I am sure that that is a thought that will be with me forever. What would her hair look like? Her eyes? Her smile? How tall would she be? Would she be outgoing or quiet and shy? Would she talk our ears off like her father?

One of my co-workers is pregnant with her first child. We were sitting at the table just chatting about her pregnancy. I began talking about mine. She looked at me puzzled, oh of those tilt your head to the side kind of looks. She than said, "Oh I didn't know you had kids?" I felt my face get hot. How do you explain to someone pregnant with the first child that babies die. That mine died. So I told her they yeah I was pregnant, I had a kid, she would have been three and she passed away. Yeah it's a sad reality that babies die. But I was not going to be the one to say "enjoy every bit of your pregnancy because it can be taken away like that. {snaps finger}.

Anyways, hear I sit another year without my daughter. Another year of heartache. Another year mourning the loss of my sweet little Angel.
I don't cry much anymore. Only once in a while. I guess I am at piece with is all. I do miss her though. And wonder what if and what would all the time.

My Dearest Shealyn,
I just want you to say that I love you so much. I can't believe it has been 3 years since we met you, since we held you.  What more can; I say I love and miss you. Daddy does too. He get so upset when he sees people raising their kids when they are being bad parents. I feel bad for him because I can't give him another child. Give him a kiss on the nose tonight. I love you sweetie.
Love,
Mommy



Our final goodbye