Scared no more?

I keep saying I'll get pregnant when God is ready for me to be pregnant. Truth is I'm tired of waiting. I been waiting all those years before I started fertility treatments and I've waited all these years after I lost Shealyn. I've been waiting longer to get pregnant than actually being pregnant.

God has a plan. Yes that may be true but I can push that plan along. There are ways to make the plan move a tiny bit faster. But will I? Nope not a chance. Why? Well aside from saying I would never do fertility treatments again. Catholic view it as a sin.

Not to play devils advocate but fertility treatments and fertility drugs are two different things. Now if the question were would you use fertility meds to try and get pregnant? My answer may be completely different. True is I'm scared to death. Scared either way. Scared if I get pregnant on my own. I'm scared if I get pregnant from meds. At the end of the day I am scared that the result will be the same.  Scared that I'd be having a funeral for another child. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to have the thought that babies die. I hate that I even know that. I'm mean yeah I knew that before but now I KNOW it and I hate that I have to live in and with this reality. Why?

There's got to be a reason for this had I have been dealt. Something more than an infection that cause my water to break so early. I should have done more. Is it my fault that I am here? I should have insisted the doctors do more. And not just take their word for it. I'm stubborn with everything but I wasn't that day. Why? Maybe subconsciously I was ready. No that is not possible I'd been ready my entire life.

Idk I hate having these thoughts. They mess up my head so bad. They make me doubt so many things. Hell everything. Makes me doubt me. Makes me doubt God. And I don't want to doubt him if his plans. I need more faith. More faith in faith more faith in him.

33 Now Boarding Flight GoodBye

As the last month of my 33rd year of life begins I find myself contemplating things. Wow! That sounds life the beginning of a "Dear John" letter to my life. I honestly did not intend for it to sound that way. My 33rd year of life started out amazing. I finally got baptized and am now Catholic. The last 3 months or so have been rough.

There is something I really want to write about but I'll do that in my actual journal. It's something I need to work through on my own and privately I guess.

Anyway, back to the last three months. My mom ended up in the hospital and almost dying from an infection from a boil. Between the hospital and the rehab/nursing home she was gone for like two months. I could go more into that but why? For what? The only outcome of that is I'd only be pissing myself off again over the situation. It's not worth it. I'll let people think what they want on that. My mom is not 100% but she's home and getting better. She will need reconstruction surgery on her legs. And that is better than before. In the beginning she was in the icu. It's was scary and heartbreaking.

Just when I thought we'd catch that break that was coming to me. My hubby's grandmother literally went to the emergency room like once a week till finally they kept her for about a week.  While that happened my own grandmother went into the hospital. She was right across the hall for hubby's grandmother and I was running back and forth between the two rooms. It was crazy. Thank God everyone is now home and on the mend. My grandmother now has to do dialysis three times a week for the rest of her life.  It has been put off and push back for quite sometime. It was inevitable and it was only a matter of time. And that time has finally come. She is not happy and often reminds me that my grandfather was on dialysis before he died. I have to remind her the dialysis didn't kill him. The stroke he had while on the operating table ultimately killed him.

Work has been so stressful. It seems like one thing after another comes up. At times I feel like I may be overreacting but it gets so overwhelming and there is no support. So when I get hit with everything's all at once I get awful panic attacks. Sometimes they feel like heart attacks. I wonder if I've had at least a couple small heart attacks in the last few weeks. I'm seriously not overdramatizing.

Back to my 33rd year of life. This past year I've seen wonderful things. I've seen relationships begin. Relationships end. I've seen marriages begin. Congrats D and B.  I've seen marriages fall apart and ultimately end. I've seen birth announcements, announcements of pregnancies.  And with birth comes death and I've seen a few of those this year. My grandmother's sister being one and a good friend of mine who helped plan my wedding back in 2004.

I am no where near where I want to be in life. I'm not there yet but it's a long process. 34 will be amazing.

Vacation

It's been a while since I took vacation from work and actually went somewhere. I've taken a day or two here and there to go to PA for the day. Or took a few days for my friend's wedding.

This time I took 2 weeks off I spent the week at home and then took 4 days and went to Colorado. I freaking love it out there. Billy doesn't understand why I like it out there so much. Quite simply, it's not New Jersey. I flew out on American Airlines on Saturday. I hardly slept the night before. It wasn't my first time flying but I am kind of a nervous flyer. Saturday once I got into Colorado I was sick, I felt awful. I'm not sure it if was food poisoning, we had chili cheese dogs the night before, or it is was motion sickness or altitude sickness.

I was fine the first time I went to Colorado so I am unsure of what was actually wrong. Anyway, so Sunday we just hung out in our PJ's and watched Naked and Afraid XL.  It was a marathon. I can confidently say that if my friend and I were to get stuck in the jungle of Brazil of the desert of Africa, we can survive for at least 40 days. We know what not to eat. And were to go. Ha. Don't eat the fruits no matter how appetizing they look. Monkey and bat poop are on them and that will nearly kill you.


On Monday, we went to Boulder and walked the Pearl Street Market. The people are so nice. They are always smiling. I'm sure most of the smiles are because they are as high as the mountains. I'll never get used to marijuana being legal there. They don't hide it. It's so strange. Here they do it out in the open but more conspicuously.

I wish my husband would go to places like this with me. I get hit with the "Oh they are your friends." "I don't know anyone there. What would I do?" "I hate the mountains." "Jersey has all I need." He doesn't understand that I want to travel the world WITH HIM. I want to see things WITH HIM. I want to experience things WITH HIM. I want to show him Colorado so he can see why I like the place. The air is different. It's not home. It's not like I am rushing to move out there, although that would be nice. But all I want is for home to visit there with me.

Overall, I had a nice time. It was a nice little getaway. I want to go back for a little longer than 4 days.

R, J, A, Z and K, I love you guys and miss you. Can't wait to come visit again.