I felt this belonged on my personal blog rather than my March or Dimes blog. So I just copies and pasted. If you read this on the other blog disregard. If yu haven't then enjoy.
I am still trying to process the events of last night. Well let me give you a little back story. A couple of years ago, after Shealyn passed I went to a support group meeting called The Compassionate Friends. Unfortunately I went to only one meeting. But I left there with a new friend. At the meeting I met a wonderful women (we'll call her S). She lost her son a few days before I lost my daughter. Though our children were years apart in age, I felt the connection to her. I friend requested her on face book, and our friendship grew from there.
So a couple of weeks ago, she came up with the idea to have a psychic party. I was all for it. Then some financial things came up and I couldn't afford to go. The hubby wasn't too keen on me going. Well a day or 2 before the actual party hubby surprised me a gave me money to go to the gallery reading. This was his Mother's Day/Anniversary gift to me. S's party was the yesterday the day before Mother's Day.
I was filled with anxiety in the couple of hours leading up to the event. On the way to S's house I probably smoked 5 cigarettes. I sat in my car for about 5 minutes in front of her house. I didn't know what I was going to experience, what was going to happen.
When I was a teen, Billy and I were probably together for about a year or 2. I went to one of those flea market psychics. I went there with an open heart and mind and the things she told me were totally false. One of the things that stick out that she told be is that I going to a have a son and that I would be a single mom. She told me that Billy and I would never get married and that we would split after 5 years of being together. Well, let me just say I don't have a son and Billy and I have been together for 13 years and still going strong.
So, you can see why I was a little apprehensive before even walking into S's house. I shook off any anxieties, took a deep breath and walked in to S's house. By the way her house is absolutely gorgeous. Any who, I immediately went into the kitchen to find S. I gave her a huge hug an thanked her for inviting me. Offered to help with anything she might have needed. After, I went and found my seat. I didn't really talk to anyone. There was a lady there that read stones. I sat there quietly observing what was going one. Looking down at my ipod several times. One of my nervous ticks, pretend I am reading a text or looking through my phone or ipod.
As I was siting there, people began to gather into the room where we were to have the gallery, the stone lady and Lucy were sitting in the front of the room, and every one was asking questions, killing time while Ann (the 3rd psychic) was finishing up prepping for the evening. They talked about pendulums and tarot cards and the was a few time that Lucy and I made eye contact. The first time I didn't think anything of it. It was like on of those you glance around the room, you make eye contact with someone and you continue about your business. That was the first time. By the 3rd, 4th and 5th time I actually started to get a little uncomfortable. But that is because of my own insecurities with making eye contact with people. It is something that I very rarely do.
The gallery began that ladies introduced themselves, some on picked a stone. I think everyone and some point was addressed by all of the mediums. There were a few times, they were saying people were coming through where I though might have been my grandfather, but I wasn't sure. After hearing a little more I realized they weren't talking about my people.
My brain is still kind of foggy over everything and so I may forget something that was said to me. So forgive me if I don't make any sense from this part of the story one.
Lucy kind of called me out and it was my turn to pick a stone. I picked a gorgeous one, a diamond actually, crack all through the stone. The stone lady then proceeded to tell me something to the effect of me being under a lot a stress (TRUE), and this part is all foggy too me. Lucy jumped in a said something about me teaching, (I used to work in a school for handicapped kids), Lucy then asked me id the was a reason for me to start a charity? I was a little confused by this but I DID just do the March of Dimes stuff. Lucy then said she saw me working/teaching for charity or non-profit. (I DO work for a non-profit organization, I am a case manager and I basically teach life skills). That is all I really remember for that part. They recorded it so I will be buying the DVD and I'll be able to update the post and correct anything I may have missed.
I was actually content with observing everyone else and their interactions with these ladies. I was silently hoping/praying that my grandfather or my daughter would come through, just to say hi or I love you.
Then Ann said the world that I was dreading on hearing but secretly hoping I would hear them..."Who lost the baby?" and as she said baby she folded her arms as if she were holding one. The only thing I could mutter out was "oh God!" and looked down. I felt my face, my body turn hot. I felt like I was going to pass out. S sitting next to me, put her arm around me and and spoke for me. Ann began to say, "she's a beautiful baby girl, so tiny, so beautiful. He brings her too you at night. Her time was meant to be short but she thanks you for choosing her". OMG I was done and complete crying idiot, the only thing I could say was "oh God" and "Thank you".
The Gallery ended. I went into the kitchen, got a drink, had a few pieces of cheesecakes. Not a dry eye in the place. I stood there looking for S. Once I found her I made my way over to her, gave her hug, wished her a Happy Mother's Day.
I was making my way to the door. I really needed to leave and sit in my car and bawl my eyes out. That is when I felt someone grab my arm and bring me out to the front porch. Ann, began telling me. "Some people are meant to have a tons of kids, some people are meant to be rich, some meant o fall in love a be married. You were meant to have your baby when you did, how you did, You picked this before you were born. She is around you all the time. When your arms fell heavy you are holding her and you know that your arms feel like you are carrying a ton of bricks."(true, true, VERY TRUE). She then went on to tell me some other thing, but I don't remember most of it. I wish I had my ipod recording the whole night. The thing she was saying to me, I just needed to hear, I guess. All I kept doing was tilt my head slightly to the side and nod, with the humbling smile. She kept saying how beautiful Shealyn was/is. And how this was what I was meant for. You would think that I asked her if Billy and I were going to have any children that will stay on the earth. But, I didn't. I couldn't speak, couldn't mutter anything beside, thank you. We parted ways and I was one my way to my car. I really needed to cry at this point.
As I approached the step to leave the porch, Lucy came out of nowhere, asking if I was getting a reading. I said no. She was like, "Wait! Can I speak with you for a minute?" I say sure. She looked a me for a few minutes....dead in my eyes..."Awkward!" She then asked me I she could give me a hug. At this point I needed it so I said should. We hugged. It was a little awkward at first. You know I don't know this lady and hear I am letting a complete stranger into my space for a hug. SO we are in this embrace that seemed like it went on forever and I slowly feel my body let go. I was in complete comfort. I felt like I have know this lady my entire like. She was so warm, so inviting. We hugged for what seemed like forever but was about maybe 5 minutes.
She then stood about a foot away from me, with her hands on my shoulders as if she were going to shake me, and said, "You are destined for greatness. In 5 years I am going to see you and say I hugged her on a porch 5 years ago." Now I'm saying to myself, "what is the lady taking about. I come from nothing , I am going to be nothing." She went on and on about how things, circumstances, situations occur for a reason, and she truly left that she was destined to drive all the way from Mass., just to meet me. That the universe aligned for her and I to cross paths at this particular point of our lives. And that I'll see thing in time and I will be something great and I'll be helping and teaching people. She game me her card with her cell on it, and said, "if you feel like you need to call me and don't, that's the wrong thing. When you feel like you should or need to call me please do., I can help you. I am full or resources and I WILL be able to help you." You might be thinking pure bs. But let me tell you when I let that and the 15 seconds it took me to get to my car I felt.....like I finally belonged. Like I had a purpose in the shitty world.
Once I got into my car, I lit a cigarette. I began attempting to process everything that had happened. I think I was in shock. Before I know it my cigarette burning right through to the filter, I felt the heat on my finger. I threw it in the ashtray, and drove away. I drove for about 20 minutes before I realized I was a block away from the beach in Seaside. Yup...I was in shock. I finally made it home, I sure I looked as if I saw a ghost. Hubby wanted to ask me fifty billion questions. I told him I needed to process everything before I can even begin to tell him what was said. I am still processing it.
Now, here I sit....24 hours later staring at my computer screen, with a ton of questions.
But aside form all the questions, the one answer, the one thing I do know is that my little girl is brought (by I am assuming my grandfather) to me every night.
