Feeling Confused

I'm not sure what to title this so I am just going to leave in "untitled". I ran into a pregnant co-worker today. She looks so pretty with he little baby bump. (God, how I wish I had one.) I found myself a couple of time during our conversations saying to myself, "God, I hope she never has to go through what I went through." Instantly I felt guilty for having that thought. It wasn't a bad thought. I was simply saying a silent prayer that she won't have to go through what I went through. I felt like I was cursing her. Like I was damming her to this little "club" we have. And that was really not the case. I wouldn't wish being a BLM on my worst enemy. But I still can't but feel guilty that I may have ginxed her. Although that was not my intention. I find myself saying that a lot every time a seem a pregnant lady.

Why do I feel guilty by this?

I feel so confused by this feeling.

Well, I think I found the title of this post.

I didn't do or say anything wrong.
 

Starring...Me?!?! and a blog hop

(I don't have as many followers as I did on my other blogs.)

Well maybe not staring in a film but maybe appearing in one.
I was on face.book the other day and I cam across something a page I follow posted. I was instantly drawn to it. The page is called STILL Project. They will be using this page until their website is up and running. It is a husband ans wife team, who lost their first child,  who started a production company called Planet Zaya. I really want to be apart of this. They are making a movie/documentary about pregnancy and infancy loss called STILL. When I first read about it the first thought that came to mind was maybe this is what that medium, the day before Mother's Day was talking about, that I am destined for greatness. After all she said, "In five years I will see you somewhere and say to myself, 'I hugged that women'."

I contacted Carrie, the Directer of Operations, telling her I was interested in helping out in any way and about the possibility of appearing in the film. This is her response.

Hi Betty,

Thank you for your interest in the STILL Project and your willingness to get involved.

As you may have read on the facebook page, my husband Jonathan and I run a film production company called PlanetZaya (http://www.planetzaya.com/).  We are currently in pre-production for a documentary film project called STILL, which will tell the story of our daughter Elena, whom we lost to stillbirth, as well as the stories of others like us who have suffered the loss of a baby.  Right now we are establishing connections with interested individuals and families and we will launch the fundraising campaign on August 1st 2012, Elena’s 10th birthday.

We are currently collecting data on those who would like to share their story on camera for potential usage in the feature length film and those who are interested in helping us raise funds and awareness for the film.  If you could let me know what state you live in that will help as we build the database.

I have also attached some background to give you an idea of who we are and why we feel the STILL Project is so important.

We are currently posting updates and information at www.facebook.com/stillproject until the http://www.stillproject.org/ website goes live.  But if you have any questions you can always reach me by e-mail.

Thanks so much for your time, Betty.

I am really looking forward to this.

Linking up with Tesha's Treasures.

Dear Billy,

I wish that I had some fancy Father's Day shindig planned. I wish I were sitting at the table with our daughter fingering panting cards and making a cake, or Oreo brownies for you for Father's Day. But instead I sit here looking at you dreaming of what should have been. What could have been. What would have been.

So, even though you are a dad just not to one who is living, I figure I would tell you on here how much I love you. I've said this before and I'll say it until the day I die. YOU are my rock! I have no idea where I would be today you weren't by my side.

You are an amazing person, friend, and husband. Thank you for being you. Thank you fro encouraging and supporting me.

I love you.

 

PS. We need to take more pics of ourselves together.

Well...

...I psyched myself up. I did really good though. Mommy mode kicked in and I found myself wondering if this person or that person I was with was ok. I found myself people watching. Wondering what they were thinking. What they where going to do afterwards.

Here is on thing I will never understand. I don't know why people do it. Hell, even I do it. We stand there at the casket, lean over to the person you are standing next to or say to yourself, "wow they look really good."

Umm...no...if they looked really good we wouldn't be gathered there remembering there life. If they looked really good they wouldn't have been sick and died. Are we just trying to spark a conversation? Or does the person look good? In this case this person did look good. She looked...at peace. She had been sick for a really long time and she was tired. I honestly think that last time I saw her was at Shealyn's funeral. She was sick then but she looked...good. But then again, I don't really remember much of what people looked like that day.

OK that is all for right now.
Best wishes,

Death

Sounds like this is going to be a morbid post...maybe not.

Yesterday, Shealyn's God-mom called me to let me know that a mutual friend and finally passed away. I say finally because this person had been sick with cancer for the longest time. She went peacefully in her sleep. I prayer her s/o can find peace and comfort.

Now with that being said, all I can thing about now is my own death. Not so much of where, how and when will I die but more of the funeral. It's not like I'm going to be there to see it. But I wonder what it would be like.

Who will officiate?
Who will write my eulogy?
What will they say about me?
Who will come?
Who will be the drama queen?
What do I want to wear?
Do I want it in a funeral home or a church?

I don't even know if I want to be buried or cremated. Shealyn is cremated. I told Hubby that who ever goes first will be buried and half of her ashes will go with that person. So I guess I want to be buried, but where?

A couple of weeks ago I had looked into a funeral planning guide. Those things are so expensive...funerals not the guide.

I guess it's time that Hubby and I sit a really talk this stuff out. So, we know what each other wants. And we should look into pre-paying for our funeral. Did you know that have that option?

Tomorrow is going to be hard for me. Not so much that I am saying  good bye to someone I know. I've gone to a couple of funerals since Shealyn died I am pretty good with that. I know how to be the supportive person, the caring person. My mommy role always manages to kick in in situations like that. The hard this for me is their services will be in the same place we had Shealyn's services. This place is the last time I saw her. The last time I held her. The last time I kissed her. The last time I said good-bye to her. The last time we were a family. The last family portrait.



My Calling?!?!

Around the time that I decided I wanted to research what religion was best for me, and looking for God, I was laying in bed one night thinking. Thinking of where I was in life and where I wanted to be. On my nightstand next to my bed, I have 2 little drawer handles on the handles I had hung 2 rosaries that my husbands grandmother gave me way back when. Then it hit me. {smack...boom}

First Rosary-SOLD

I decided right then and there that I would begin to try and make rosaries, and other kinds of jewelry. I searched the Internet, subscribed to newsletters and now I am very happy to say that I have made 3 rosaries, one single decade bracelet and one 5 decade bracelet. I have sold 2 rosaries and one person is interested in buying one. I sold a bracelet and the other is a sample. For my own use mostly. I have gotten such a warm response in doing this. God called and I was actually paying enough attention to hear him and answer.

This rosary had black beads with a rainbow effect. SOLD

Matching single decade bracelet- SOLD

I do custom orders. I make random ones, basically whatever bead combos call to me when I am at the craft store or ordering beads online. I will be looking into making wooden bead rosaries for men also.

This is a custom made piece I did for a friend.
The beads are made of natural lava stones.

5 decade bracelet

Repeat, peat, peat

"I love you like a love song baby. I love you like a love song baby. And I keep hitting repeat, peat, peat."

That song is stuck in my head. I feel like I'm on repeat. Wake up- go to work- take hubby to work- come home- watch tv- shower-bed- wake-up....do it all over again. Mind you I can't really do anything constructive during the day because I work nights. Which means I don't wind down from the day until around 3am and then I wake up at like 1 in the afternoon. If I do have to do something I wake up in the mornings but I am sooooo tired. I drag myself around. So I'm stuck on repeat. I got to change. Something has go to change. Being an independent person is a good thing but a terrible thing at the same time.

My Journey Through the Bible; Part 2

Numbers-Joshua

NOTE: I am by no means preaching. I'm not saying I am right or wrong. I am merely giving my opinion, to which was are all entitled to.


Hi Everyone,

Thanks for joining the second part of my journey thought the Bible. This post is going to cover my finding in the books of Numbers, Deuteronomy, and Joshua. Numbers in my opinion was probably the most time consuming for me. It, for me, was had to follow with all the numbering of the 12 tribes of Israel. A couple of things stood out to me or made me sit and think.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, an be gracious to you; The Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace." -Num 6:24-26

When I read that I can honestly say that I felt as though the Lord wrapped his arm around me. I told my husband that each day I read I feel a little different. I feel myself growing as a person, my soul slowly brightening, from the darkness. It is a process, this I know but little by little I feel myself changing. Perhaps into the beautiful butterfly I've always dreamed I be. But seriously, I'm not as negative or as angry as I used to be. I still have my moments but 2 months ago I thought of going on medication. I don't feel that need anymore.

"The Lord is long-suffering and abundant in mercy..." -Num 14:18

I can only hope and pray to be forgiven now and in the end. A lot of things were done with good intentions. Most of the things I have done were because that is what I was taught or discovered myself; Lie, cheat and steal...to survive. Up until I met my husband, that it what I was doing. Trying to survive. I can sit here and say, "oh well, I was only a kid then. I was just a teenager." But this that really and excuse? I knew what I was doing but will I be forgiven due to the circumstances I was in. I moved in with hubby when I was 16. If I hadn't I wouldn't be here today. If I was perhaps I wouldn't be who/where I am today.

Deuteronomy, had quiet a few verses that jumped out at me. They really spoke to me. Most of it was about law guidelines. Bet here are the verses that stuck out to me. These 2 verses were from Chapter 4 in Deuteronomy.

"But form there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek him with all your heart and all your soul."-Deu 4:29. And, "(for the Lord your God in a merciful God), He will not forsake you nor destroy you,..."-Deu 4:31.

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might." 6:5

"Your life shall hang in doubt before you; you shall fear day and night, and have no assurance of life."- Deu. 28:66

 That above verse pretty much sums up my state of mind at this moment. Not so much as living in fear but more of not being sure of anything in life. Will I have kids again? Will I be truly full of joy and happiness? No don't get me wrong I am happy but will i ever feel that joy, that completion of looking at your baby sleeping in the crib, or watching them growing. Seeing them take their first steps, say their first words. Will that ever happen? And I think that is what I am afraid of most.

And the last one for Deuteronomy. "Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." Deut. 31:6. Amen. That is my new motto. He is with you and won't leave or forsake you. He was always there I just didn't know whee to look.  This was repeated thought the rest of this book and the beginning of Joshua.

The book of Joshua was mostly about war. Taking of cities and killing kings. I didn't read anything that jumped out at me. I guess that is ok.

Well thank you all for reading on my journey. I am going to start Judges in a bit. Stay tuned to my post review on that in a few days.