A vacation....FINALLY

Hey

It's has been a while. I don't even know where to begin. Life has been crazy. Life has been all over the place. Life has been...well, life has been life. We all have our ups and downs. Some days; most days it seems like we are down way down. There hasn't been very many ups days. And that sucks giant you know what's.

Hubby and I were discussing one day about going on a vacation. Naturally, we can't just up and go. We have to save for trip and I need to plan things out. I like to believe I am an "up and go" type of person. I wouldn't only be like that if I had the funds to be able to do that, ie, rich from winning the lotto and not have to work for the rest of my life. A girl can dream.

So, we had decided that we would safe up for a vacation. I looked into "lay-a-way vacations" and found a few deals that sounds really good. In fact they were good deals. Then we got hit with the proverbial  financial Mack truck. Without getting into specifics, going on vacation moved even farther out of reach than it was. A few choice woks were thrown around. Mostly they were being thrown in one direction. But you know what? I've had it and I am tired of it. How is any of it fair? I'm 30. I've bust my ass for what little I got and I will most likely bust my ass till the day I die. But while busting my ass, I want to enjoy life, I want to see the world.

I was beginning to feel like I was being taken advantage of. Hell, I still feel that way. I am told that that isn't the case. But I can't help the way I feel.

Things haven't changes....not fast enough for my liking at least.

Fast forward to recent times. My friends whom I met in a PCOS group on my space announced that she was getting married to her long time on and off boyfriend. They used to date back in the day, lost contact and now have reconnected and they are getting married. I couldn't be happier for her. The original date was in March 2014. So I thought  I will safe up money to attend especially since I would be going out of state, whether to her current city or and home town. Then she threw a wrench in the mix. She announced that they were moving the wedding up. I told her I would to make it but I needed to find coverage and get approved for time off. Then she threw another wrench....She asked me to be a bridesmaid. Needless to say in a few days the 4th of this month actually. I will be going on my first flight move than half way across  the county.

Thought Provoking...very random

A friend if my posted something earlier on face book that really made me think.

Well I've always had it on my mind, but today it really made me want to post something and maybe I could work out my answers while writing it out.

 Where/what is your place in this life...this world? If you've read my blog. Most of the posts are random about my finding my place in life. Where do I fit in? I tag most of my posts as 'soul searching'. I now wear many hats. Photography, jewelry making, march of dimes family team leader, and now wannabe writer. Why exactly am I doing it? For what? I'm searching for "myself". But who am I really? Where was I? Where am I going? I'm trying to find myself but where did I lose myself?

Am I searching for the me from four years ago? If so I should really stop looking. That person is in a tiny little box, wrapped in a tiny little bag with my daughter. I'd love to find that person again.

The me 15 years ago was nice too. Not a care in the world.

And now there's the me now. She is a cold bitter person. She is the one searching for her happiness.  Searching for that smile she once had. She now has the permanent v between her brow. That permanent frown.

So here I am still without answers but with a ton more questions. And a million things to do with my time and not enough time to do it all.

So who am I and where am I going?


...to be continued

I'll eventually find my answers.

Blue Face

I haven't posted in a really long time. I don't know why I do this to myself. And then when I get on here I end up posting this really long post and it is mostly me venting and I feel like it make me sound ungrateful.

I am not ungrateful by any means. I use this blog to vent, to share my hopes, share my dreams, to share my life. Though I don't know if my blog will help anyone or even anyone really reads them but they help me. My posts may not make any sense, that is because I just write what is on my mind and post. I hardly ever edit them. Anyway if you do read them thank you.

I haven't posted in a while about my loss. Don't ever think that I never think about my daughter. I think of her everyday. I just have nothing to write about when it comes to her. Does that make me horrible? I will say that this past May marked 4 years. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I should have a four year old running around.

Now onto my vent.

 I can speak until I am blue in the face, but when I am blue in the face things still don't get done, or are as I want them to be. So why do I even bother? Because I deserve to have things the way I WANT THEM. I sound liker a petulant child but it's the truth. I have come so far in my 30 years. I was supposed to die when I was 14. Took a knife right to my wrists. Only had superficial cuts and the scars have all faded, although there are still some. But my point is. My life was hard. REALLY HARD. Yeah everyone at one point in their life says that, but for me, it was and is the truth. I pretty much raised myself and my siblings. Other things were going on too. Maybe one day when I finish one of my books and get published you'll know.

Then I met him and things felt...right. He told me I wouldn't have to worry. Told me he'd take care of me.

So why do I sit here blue in the face? Because I am keeping my mouth shut. Nothing has changed nor with it ever. I sit here blue in the face because.... I. LOVE. HIM.

No really much of a vent after all. Oh well.

Are You My Daddy???

There is so many things I want to say. So many things I need to say. I don't even know how to begin to organize my thoughts to be able to say all I need to without hurting anyone's feelings.

The number one thing is:

I will be turning 30 next week. For 30 years I have not known who my father is. For 30 years I have made up stories for myself to explain to my self why I don't know who he is. He  moved to German shortly after I was born and dies in a riot that happened when the Berlin Wall was knocked down. IDK if there was a riot but I made up one in my head. He was a prince in some far off country and didn't know I existed. He was in jail for killing someone who tried to kidnap me. Yeah I know these are far fetched but when I was young everything I thought "who is my dad?", or "where is my father?" I'd tell myself this and that would answer my inquiry for a little while. When I would actually ask my mom she say it was this guy but then she'd change the story and finally ended with saying she didn't remember. How could you not remember a person that you were intimate with. What are you hiding. Then a family member got crazy and started saying some crazy shit about my grandfather being my dad. HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. And even if he did he was an amazing man and I didn't want for anything when I was in his care. Then when I was 15 she said that this other guy was my dad. IDK if she was just trying to shut me up but I knew deep down this guy and his family were not a part of me. Trifling ass people they were. Conniving con-artist. Lower than low. They were...trash. I went through the motions but slowly we grew apart. He declined a DNA test say he knew I was his daughter. IMO most mixed people look very similar when they are young.  That is probably why I felt that his daughter and me looked a like. :-/ Maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But now after 30 years. I REALLY need to know. Since 2009 I have been wanting and needing to tell my "father"about his granddaughter, my daughter Shealyn. He needs to know she existed and I need to tell him she existed. I think that after 30 years, I am a big girl now and can take whatever the truth is. For some reason my family has always kept things form me. I guess they though I was crazy. I see it as being a passionate caring person. If you tell me something and I don't agree with it I will speak my mind. Most of the times when I went' off on them they would come at me with some off the wall shit and expect me not to have a reaction to it. Well like a good friend on mine has said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it."

I just want to know the truth. I just want to know who my father is. I have names..a few names in fact. My issue kind of my main issues if you tell me my entire life that this one guys is my father why all of a sudden would you change that? I don't get it. I really don't. I will probably go on the rest of my life not knowing and will probably die not knowing and that my friends...fucking sucks.

You Ask; I Answer Part 1

So, I've had a bit of writers block lately. Is that even possible to have writer's block when you are writing your live story? lol. Well anyway I asked my FB friends to ask me any question that wanted and I would attempt to write a blog post about it to possible get my creative juices flowing.

So here is one of the questions I was asked.

"Who do u think loses out more? Girls who grow up without fathers? Or boys who grow up w out fathers? I've heard conflicting opinions. Or is that too deep a topic?"

I'll start by answering the easiest question first. No, it's not "too deep a topic". In fact, I find it easier to write about things rather that talking about them. :)

I can only really speak from my point of view on this, even though I know guys whose fathers were around. I think when guys grow up and have families of their own; they have the opportunity to put an end to the cycle. I honestly think that girls lose out more.

There are a lot of little event and big events that occur in a girl’s life that she'll miss out on if her dad isn't around. Although I've had my grandfather for the early part of my life. He was my grandfather and father at most times but there was always a nagging question in the back of my head, "who is my father and what would it be like if he were around?" Daddy/daughter tea at school/ lunch/dances/ Girl Scout events. All of those I had to miss out on because one my grandfather wasn't able to take me or 2 and this was the case for most of them; part of me was kind of embarrassed to have my grandfather do these things with me. After all it wasn't his responsibility. He didn't help make me.

All of that stuff didn't really matter to me growing up. It wasn't until I was older, when life started really happening and my grandfather passed where I began to think, "Well I don't have a dad/father who is going to be there for certain life events." There are 3 main events in life (in my opinion) that we won't get to truly experience because our fathers aren't around. Graduation (if you graduate), your wedding day, and when you become a parent. There are other's I'm sure but these are the ones that mean the most to me.

We also have the boyfriend who comes into the picture and wants to pretend to be daddy. "Oh call me daddy." Ummm, no thank you, that is just wrong. People are creepy well my experience with them...they are creepy and I will never understand why anyone would want to take on someone else's responsibility of taking care/supporting some other man's kid. I don't understand how a guy can sit back and have another man take care of what is theirs.

The first "role model" of a man that girls get a vision of is their father. If they don't have that solid figure, how are they going to know what to look for in a man?

In the end, I think that girls have it harder and lose out when their fathers aren't involved.

Hope that answers it.

keep the questions coming because this it fun.


xoxo
Betty

First Post of the New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

I hope everyone's Christmas and New year were magical. For my Christmas I worked. Story of my life. I actually took off for New Years. WOW! Who would have thought? We, Billy and I, spent New Years with Shealyn's God-mom. I was having a good time until we went around the table and with "Good and Bad of 2012". How to I not sound angry or bitter when I answer this? I came up with some stupid stuff. Bad-- saying good-bye to my grandfather's sister. RIP Aunt Helen. And good-
spending my bday in Seaside with Danielle, Sarah and my sister. Oh and getting my tattoo and deciding to writer a book. If only I'll actually finish what I start. What i really wanted to say was the last 6 months of 2012 was bad and that nothing really good happened. Yeah I have a Job and house and I'm grateful for all of that But my biggest issue is I want to BE HAPPY AGAIN. And when I picture me being happy again and a picture that was taken of me on my wedding, very candid, smiling ear to ear. Not a care in the world. I'd given anything to be back at that moment. Before everything when to shit. Will I ever be happy like that again? I found an old journal the other day. I really think TTC destroyed us.

 

Well onto my New Year's Resolutions. IDK why I even do these. I NEVER stick to them.

1. Finish at least 1 of my 2 book/short story ideas.
2. (I saw this on face-book) Write a good thing that hap pend to me a day and put it in a jar. At the end of the year I will go back and read. This will be a reminder to look for all the good things in life.
3. (on my list every year) To loose weight. I would like to be a size 9 but realistically I would settle for a size 10-12.
4. Work out more or do yoga every day.

That's all I could think of for right now. My Ultimate goal is to find me. The true me. The happy me.