So This Is What It Is Like...

...to be homeless.

Yup. We have no home to call our own. It isn't the first time and I pray to God it is the LAST time. I won't go into details on how we ended up like this. But will the passing of Billy's grandfather it kind of works out for the best. Thank God for my mother in law. We'd be living out of my car or in a motel if it weren't for her. She was kind enough to open her home to us.

It was bound to happen. I got so far behind in the bills and rent. I tried everything I could possibly think of to prevent the inevitable. But here we are, living out of bags and storage. Its kind of like and extended camping trip. I like camping. Not sue I will like it in a day or two. But for the time being I am fortunate to say even though I don't have a home, I have a warm place to stay. Not many people can say that.

We may be down but we are not out. I/We have been through worse. I think the worse thing we've gone though is the passing of our daughter. I can sit here and say that I am 99.9999% sure Billy would agree. We have a plan and by the grace of God that plan will come to reality and hopefully soon.

These last few months have really put things in prospective for me. I made the choices. I wanted to LIVE and not worry about money and what I can and can't afford. I am now paying for it but for those few shot months I was able to reconnect with Billy and just be....US. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, back to our plan. The plan is by the end of the year we will have a house. Not a rental but our own house. It'll be the 4 of us, Billy, his mom, grandma and myself. It will be interesting to say the least but we will be able to call it home and make it our own. I am already jumping the gun and mentally designing the house but that keeps my mind off other things. Like these insane anxiety and panic attacks. They have been so bad recently. To the point of physicality. That's not who I am. Yeah, as I kid that is what I did. Hell, I had to fight to survive. But, now that just isn't me. But shit happens.

Anyway, this is my life right now. Things are sucky but I have m health and my life, and the people that matter in my life. I am just in one of many dips on this rollercoaster ride that is life.

Here Without You

Abuelito Alberto 1930-2015

I had had a dream a couple of months ago that you died. I guess it was my subconscious preparing me for what would soon be a reality. Given your age I  knew we were on borrowed time. In my dream I spoke at your funeral. I prayed and asked for guidance and began making notes on what I would say. Now that that dream has become a reality I am not sure I can speak.

My heart broke seeing you in as much pain as you were in the last time I saw you alive. You wanted us to leave so we could check in on your wife. Dammit Alberto I didn't want to leave. I know it would be that last time we saw you. And deep down I think you knew too. 

The doctors assured us when you left you didn't feel any pain. I don't believe that especially seeing my last memory of you.  You were reaching for something and sounded so confused. You couldn't complete your thoughts. What were you reaching for? Was she there? Was Shealyn calling you home? Did she run up to you with her arms outstretched calling you to pick her up? I imagine that is what she would do if she were coming home from school.

I didn't think my heart had any more pieces to break. I've lost my own grandfather so I know these feelings. I look at your only grandson, my husband and I see the pain and heartache etched in his face and there is nothing I can do. And that breaks my heart even more. I think we've all have aged a few years in the span of a week. 

The beautiful Flowers a Friend helped with purchasing.
These were form Billy and I.

As I write this is has been a week since you left. My anxiety has increased infinitesimal. It is off the freaking scale, it's so high. I panic when I am not around Billy. I feel like I need him in my line of sight all the time or I need to touch him, even if its the hem of his shirt. I need him near me. The anxiety subsided when he's near me. 

 I didn't cry at your funeral. I guess because I let it all out at the hospital. I feel like I am on autopilot and that I have to keep moving, keep busy. A shark that stops moving dies. I feel like when I crash, because I know it will happen soon. I am afraid the the pieces won't go back together. It's only a mater of time before you have to switch from autopilot into manual override. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I will become. And that give me more anxiety. I don't remember feeling this way when my grandfather passed. I think I mostly felt anger. Angry that he left. Angry with how I felt I was treated. 

But now all I feel is lost. 

I am overjoyed with the love and support we've received. And I am disappointed by the lack of love and support by some. Never once did that stop to think that I lost you too. That I was feeling and experiencing this loss right along side of them. "Send my love to mom and Billy and grandma." No, 'how are you doing with all of this?' I know this isn't about me and I don't want to make it seem like it is. But are my family. It's a shame when the ones I though mattered weren't even there for me, for my husband, for our family. Lets just face it, you and Maria, and Jo and Willie and Gil, and Shealyn and of course Billy are my family.

I had to tedious tasks of picking an ordering flowers. My mother in law and hubby both apologized for giving me this task. What they don't understand is I wanted to get the flowers. It made me fell included in the family. It made me fell like I was helping. It wouldn't have been possible if it were for a Secret Angel who assisted with a small donation for the flowers. I think the florist did a great job in providing what we wanted. 

We must now walk this path without you. You will be forever missed. 



This is my favorite picture(below). It was a good day. Even though we drove around to a million stores looking for shoes. It was a good day and one I will remember forever. It was also the first time you had Starbucks.