Here Without You

Abuelito Alberto 1930-2015

I had had a dream a couple of months ago that you died. I guess it was my subconscious preparing me for what would soon be a reality. Given your age I  knew we were on borrowed time. In my dream I spoke at your funeral. I prayed and asked for guidance and began making notes on what I would say. Now that that dream has become a reality I am not sure I can speak.

My heart broke seeing you in as much pain as you were in the last time I saw you alive. You wanted us to leave so we could check in on your wife. Dammit Alberto I didn't want to leave. I know it would be that last time we saw you. And deep down I think you knew too. 

The doctors assured us when you left you didn't feel any pain. I don't believe that especially seeing my last memory of you.  You were reaching for something and sounded so confused. You couldn't complete your thoughts. What were you reaching for? Was she there? Was Shealyn calling you home? Did she run up to you with her arms outstretched calling you to pick her up? I imagine that is what she would do if she were coming home from school.

I didn't think my heart had any more pieces to break. I've lost my own grandfather so I know these feelings. I look at your only grandson, my husband and I see the pain and heartache etched in his face and there is nothing I can do. And that breaks my heart even more. I think we've all have aged a few years in the span of a week. 

The beautiful Flowers a Friend helped with purchasing.
These were form Billy and I.

As I write this is has been a week since you left. My anxiety has increased infinitesimal. It is off the freaking scale, it's so high. I panic when I am not around Billy. I feel like I need him in my line of sight all the time or I need to touch him, even if its the hem of his shirt. I need him near me. The anxiety subsided when he's near me. 

 I didn't cry at your funeral. I guess because I let it all out at the hospital. I feel like I am on autopilot and that I have to keep moving, keep busy. A shark that stops moving dies. I feel like when I crash, because I know it will happen soon. I am afraid the the pieces won't go back together. It's only a mater of time before you have to switch from autopilot into manual override. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I will become. And that give me more anxiety. I don't remember feeling this way when my grandfather passed. I think I mostly felt anger. Angry that he left. Angry with how I felt I was treated. 

But now all I feel is lost. 

I am overjoyed with the love and support we've received. And I am disappointed by the lack of love and support by some. Never once did that stop to think that I lost you too. That I was feeling and experiencing this loss right along side of them. "Send my love to mom and Billy and grandma." No, 'how are you doing with all of this?' I know this isn't about me and I don't want to make it seem like it is. But are my family. It's a shame when the ones I though mattered weren't even there for me, for my husband, for our family. Lets just face it, you and Maria, and Jo and Willie and Gil, and Shealyn and of course Billy are my family.

I had to tedious tasks of picking an ordering flowers. My mother in law and hubby both apologized for giving me this task. What they don't understand is I wanted to get the flowers. It made me fell included in the family. It made me fell like I was helping. It wouldn't have been possible if it were for a Secret Angel who assisted with a small donation for the flowers. I think the florist did a great job in providing what we wanted. 

We must now walk this path without you. You will be forever missed. 



This is my favorite picture(below). It was a good day. Even though we drove around to a million stores looking for shoes. It was a good day and one I will remember forever. It was also the first time you had Starbucks.