Thought Provoking...very random

A friend if my posted something earlier on face book that really made me think.

Well I've always had it on my mind, but today it really made me want to post something and maybe I could work out my answers while writing it out.

 Where/what is your place in this life...this world? If you've read my blog. Most of the posts are random about my finding my place in life. Where do I fit in? I tag most of my posts as 'soul searching'. I now wear many hats. Photography, jewelry making, march of dimes family team leader, and now wannabe writer. Why exactly am I doing it? For what? I'm searching for "myself". But who am I really? Where was I? Where am I going? I'm trying to find myself but where did I lose myself?

Am I searching for the me from four years ago? If so I should really stop looking. That person is in a tiny little box, wrapped in a tiny little bag with my daughter. I'd love to find that person again.

The me 15 years ago was nice too. Not a care in the world.

And now there's the me now. She is a cold bitter person. She is the one searching for her happiness.  Searching for that smile she once had. She now has the permanent v between her brow. That permanent frown.

So here I am still without answers but with a ton more questions. And a million things to do with my time and not enough time to do it all.

So who am I and where am I going?


...to be continued

I'll eventually find my answers.

Blue Face

I haven't posted in a really long time. I don't know why I do this to myself. And then when I get on here I end up posting this really long post and it is mostly me venting and I feel like it make me sound ungrateful.

I am not ungrateful by any means. I use this blog to vent, to share my hopes, share my dreams, to share my life. Though I don't know if my blog will help anyone or even anyone really reads them but they help me. My posts may not make any sense, that is because I just write what is on my mind and post. I hardly ever edit them. Anyway if you do read them thank you.

I haven't posted in a while about my loss. Don't ever think that I never think about my daughter. I think of her everyday. I just have nothing to write about when it comes to her. Does that make me horrible? I will say that this past May marked 4 years. FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. I should have a four year old running around.

Now onto my vent.

 I can speak until I am blue in the face, but when I am blue in the face things still don't get done, or are as I want them to be. So why do I even bother? Because I deserve to have things the way I WANT THEM. I sound liker a petulant child but it's the truth. I have come so far in my 30 years. I was supposed to die when I was 14. Took a knife right to my wrists. Only had superficial cuts and the scars have all faded, although there are still some. But my point is. My life was hard. REALLY HARD. Yeah everyone at one point in their life says that, but for me, it was and is the truth. I pretty much raised myself and my siblings. Other things were going on too. Maybe one day when I finish one of my books and get published you'll know.

Then I met him and things felt...right. He told me I wouldn't have to worry. Told me he'd take care of me.

So why do I sit here blue in the face? Because I am keeping my mouth shut. Nothing has changed nor with it ever. I sit here blue in the face because.... I. LOVE. HIM.

No really much of a vent after all. Oh well.