There is so many things I want to say. So many things I need to say. I don't even know how to begin to organize my thoughts to be able to say all I need to without hurting anyone's feelings.
The number one thing is:
I will be turning 30 next week. For 30 years I have not known who my father is. For 30 years I have made up stories for myself to explain to my self why I don't know who he is. He moved to German shortly after I was born and dies in a riot that happened when the Berlin Wall was knocked down. IDK if there was a riot but I made up one in my head. He was a prince in some far off country and didn't know I existed. He was in jail for killing someone who tried to kidnap me. Yeah I know these are far fetched but when I was young everything I thought "who is my dad?", or "where is my father?" I'd tell myself this and that would answer my inquiry for a little while. When I would actually ask my mom she say it was this guy but then she'd change the story and finally ended with saying she didn't remember. How could you not remember a person that you were intimate with. What are you hiding. Then a family member got crazy and started saying some crazy shit about my grandfather being my dad. HE IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. And even if he did he was an amazing man and I didn't want for anything when I was in his care. Then when I was 15 she said that this other guy was my dad. IDK if she was just trying to shut me up but I knew deep down this guy and his family were not a part of me. Trifling ass people they were. Conniving con-artist. Lower than low. They were...trash. I went through the motions but slowly we grew apart. He declined a DNA test say he knew I was his daughter. IMO most mixed people look very similar when they are young. That is probably why I felt that his daughter and me looked a like. :-/ Maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings. But now after 30 years. I REALLY need to know. Since 2009 I have been wanting and needing to tell my "father"about his granddaughter, my daughter Shealyn. He needs to know she existed and I need to tell him she existed. I think that after 30 years, I am a big girl now and can take whatever the truth is. For some reason my family has always kept things form me. I guess they though I was crazy. I see it as being a passionate caring person. If you tell me something and I don't agree with it I will speak my mind. Most of the times when I went' off on them they would come at me with some off the wall shit and expect me not to have a reaction to it. Well like a good friend on mine has said, "it's not what you say it's how you say it."
I just want to know the truth. I just want to know who my father is. I have names..a few names in fact. My issue kind of my main issues if you tell me my entire life that this one guys is my father why all of a sudden would you change that? I don't get it. I really don't. I will probably go on the rest of my life not knowing and will probably die not knowing and that my friends...fucking sucks.
